5 things to drink on Halloween


It’s hard enough to drink while in costume let alone mix cocktails. That’s why I’ve come up with 5 simple yet festive things that will get you drunk on Halloween. Just don’t blame me if you wake up in a cemetery with no memories.

5 Kah Tequila


Why: Are you serious? They’re skull decanters. If you can’t figure out why this is perfect for Halloween you don’t deserve to watch the slut parade. On top of that, it’s an intense tequila and the $50-$65 price tags could scare just about anyone.

Alternative: Crystal Head Vodka. What could be more appropriate than vodka from a Ghostbuster?

4 Sam Adams Fat Jack


Why:Technically pumpkins are “in” until Thanksgiving, but pumpkin beers are about to be as uncool as candy corn. Sam Adams drops 28 pounds of pre-carved Jack-o-lanterns into every barrel, which makes this Double Pumpkin Ale a major treat on Halloween.

Alternative: Elysian’s Dark O’ the Moon Pumpkin Stout is one of the few other pumpkin beers I actually enjoy. It’s also as dark as midnight, unlike most options.

3 Patron XO Cafe


Why: I don’t know if Patron XO Cafe was the first black tequila, but it doesn’t really matter. It’s delicious. It also has enough tequila to get you drunk and coffee (flavor) to trick you into thinking that you’re getting caffeinated.

Alternative: Kahlua Midnight and Cabo Diablo are both obvious choices here. It can be tough to rip shots in a full costume, but it’s worth it.

2 Vampire Cabernet Sauvignon


Why: We’re already to number four so it’s about time we get to something that can rip out your throat. Vampires are almost too trendy for Halloween, but sometimes you need booze that’s a little more classy. Enter Vampire wines. If Cabernet isn’t your thing, they make others…and vodka.

UPDATE: After hearing about a bullshit trademark lawsuit against Clown Shoes over their beer Vampire Slayer – read more about it here – I can no longer recommend Vampire Wines (same brand). My love of spite will not allow it. Instead, go buy Clown Shoes Vampire Slayer immediately. Wine is for chumps anyway.

Alternative: Deadbolt Wine is a great choice, or the less rapey option of Grateful Dead Steal Your Face Red.

1 Jim Beam’s Devil’s Cut


Why: Halloween gets all the hype, but Devil’s Night is when things really heat up. If you’re going out to cause mischief, such as burning multiple houses down, Jim Beam Devil’s Cut might be the right choice for you. You might also look into not being such a psychopath.

Alternative: Jacob’s Ghost. It’s another Beam product but much more friendly. All it wants to do dance with Christina Ricci.