Ebola is literally pounding down your door (says the media), and we’re all about to succumb to Ebola hemorrhagic fever unless these 7 heroes step in and save us.
So who’s in for a Kickstarter in which we raise funds to hire these heroes of yesteryear to defend us from ebola’s deadly grips? Not convinced that these are the men for the job? Well, you’re fucking wrong.
‘ol meat licking Sly Stallone
Did you know one of the main methods of contracting ebola is by eating infected ‘bush meat‘? Bush meat can be anything from a bat to a rat, but these day’s it’s often carrying ebola. Don’t eat that shit. But if you have to, make sure Sly licks your meat first to make sure it’s safe.
Ebola is transmitted via bodily fluids, it attacks your mucus membranes and it spreads via blood, spit, whatever….Luckily for you there’s Jean-Claude Van Dam from Cyborg to kick anyone in the face who’s about to cough their ebola in to your eyes. Also, since he’s a cyborg he’s immune.
Stanley Goodspeed to the rescue
Nicolas Cage’s alternate ego Stanley Goodspeed is a chemical weapons specialist, and he’s here to save the day. Recently, one doctor has gone so far as to suggest that we should just let ebola run rampant to fix the ‘over population’ problem of the world (no really, this fucking guy said that):
As reported by LifeSiteNews, the virus causes a form of hemorrhagic fever in which internal organs eventually deteriorate and liquefy. There is no known cure or vaccine for the disease, and it has an extremely high mortality rate of between 80 and 90 percent in most parts of the world where it strikes.
Stanley Goodspeed however will not allow that to happen. He will find the threat and neutralize the chemical weapons. Stanley will be our savior.
Call him Harrison Ford, President James Marshall, call him whatever you want, just make sure you call him in a bind. In this scenario ebola is the terrorist, and ‘Murica is the plane. Harrison is saving us all. Moving on now.
Someone here in the BroBible headquarters remarked earlier: “I bet Wolverine never took an unpleasant shit in his life.”
And they’re right. His stomach has never felt uneasy, he would champion ebola in a heartbeat. He’d never succumb to the sickness, and he’d obviously save us all because he’s so about altruism, obviously.
Samuel L. Jackson
Ebola’s wrapping it’s tendrils around us little by little, and it’s squeezing from our airports. The planes are bringing in the sick people, the sick people are transmitting it. Samuel L. Jackson knows a thing or two about eradicating a threat on an airplane. We need Samuel L. Jackson now more than ever.
Bottom of the ninth, ebola’s got us up against the ropes, Wahlberg wants his chance to throw the game winning TD. Do we let him? Fuck yah we let him, he also knows a thing or two about cleanliness, which is THE ONLY WAY TO ACTUALLY STOP EBOLA.
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