7 ways to be a better fake Irishman this St. Patrick’s Day

Colin Joliat

Boondock Saints told us that everyone’s Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. That doesn’t mean we all celebrate equally though. Here are 7 ways to be a better fake Irishman this year. They don’t actually have anything to do with being Irish, but it’s a step up from your standard drunken debauchery.

Start with a real Irish Coffee

Most people think an Irish Coffee is just adding a little Baileys or Jameson to their morning cup of joe. That’s like calling a rum and coke your favorite cocktail. To make a real Irish Coffee, fill an Irish coffee mug with coffee. Add whiskey and a teaspoon of sugar. Then pour thick cream slowly over the back of a spoon to layer it on top. Now you’ve got a real drink rather than a poorly hidden alcohol problem.

Cleanse yourself in an Irish Spring

I know how much you love your Axe Body Spray, but it’s St. Patrick’s Day so channel your inner leprechaun and use Irish Spring. Plus their new “Gear” line claims it neutralize odor for 24 hours, which is necessary if you’re properly celebrating the holiday. The last thing you want is to be hitting on some lucky lass only to have her head for the Hill of Tara because you reek.

Line your stomach with an Irish Breakfast

Kegs and eggs are great, especially when those unfertilized fetii are dyed green, but step your game up a notch and eat a full Irish breakfast. You know damn well you need to fill your stomach before embarking on your epic drinking adventure. It’s basically meat-lover heaven with bacon rashers (fancy word for strips), sausages, white pudding (sausage), black pudding (blood sausage), fried eggs, fried tomato, and sometimes mushrooms.

Drink great Irish whisky first

St. Patrick’s Day typically means shots of cheap Irish whiskey all day. Unless you’re racing to intoxication though, you might as well start with a few drams of the good stuff. Teeling Irish Whisky comes from the only distillery in Dublin and is a good step up from your average Irish whisky. You might not remember drinking it the next day, but trust me, you’ll be happy you’ve got it at the time.

Drink an Irish beer that isn’t Guinness

Guinness reigns supreme on St. Patrick’s Day, and with good reason. It’s delicious. It’s also easy to find year-around. Most bars and liquor stores stock up on other great Irish beers once a year, and now is your time to capitalize on the variety. Murphy’s Irish Stout is similar to Guinness, but it’s creamier and easier to drink. It’s just what the liver doctor ordered when you’ve got a full day of drinking to do.

Never under any circumstances say St. Patty’s Day

There are people out there that get REALLY pissed if you substitute Patty’s for Paddy’s. You can tell I’m serious because of the use of Caps Lock. Patty is a women’s nickname while Paddy is short for Patrick. Don’t ask me why anyone actually cares, but they do. The last thing you need on a day of celebration is to get into a debate with some drunk Irishman.

Don’t pronounce “slàinte” like an a-hole.