Dogs are man’s best friend. Everybody knows that. But do you ever really stop to think about just why that is?
Well, we have, and in the spirit of that very special friendship which stretches back thousands upon thousands of years, we bring you this, 9 reasons why your dog is truly your best friend.
9. He Doesn’t Judge You
Think about virtually every relationship in your life. There are things you hide. There just are. Not even the love of your life can handle seeing you with a set of pooped drawers after a weekend bender that ends in the grossest way possible. But your dog doesn’t care. No, your dog is your bro no matter how big a loser you are. You could spend all day sitting around in your underwear, talking to a giant love doll and eating spray cheese out of a can, and your dog will still think you’re the best dude on the planet. You just can’t get that anywhere else.
8. He’s Ride or Die All the Way
There is not a human being on this earth that is as loyal as a dog. He’ll stick by your side whether you’re living in some pleasure palace like a modern day Caligula or whether you’re living in a garbage can with no legs and have to piss yourself to keep warm at night. Your dog is there. That’s because you’re his boy. This is the real ‘til death do us part relationship. Once your dog trusts you, he’s the most reliable friend you’ll ever have.
7. He’s the Perfect Workout Partner
You could spend hours at the gym, your bro lingering uncomfortably close while you jack up weights and then shower together, or you could just hit the park with your dog. He isn’t going to cancel on you because he’s hung over. No, he’s down for whatever, whenever. Sure, you’re probably not going to get super ripped playing with your dog all day, but you won’t get bored either. Remember when you were a kid, and you’d just run and play all day? Yeah, that was healthy exercise. Your dog is pretty much the only excuse to do anything like that as an adult without people thinking that you’re just tripping balls. Every little thing counts. Yeah, you’re walking your dog, but he’s walking you too.
6. He’s the Perfect Playmate
Even if you’re just sitting around the house, your dog is down for whatever. He doesn’t care if you’re broke and can’t afford to do anything “fun.” No, he’s happy just wrestling on the floor or fetching whatever shit you throw him. And when it’s all over, you get to cuddle and exchange kisses without it getting weird. Also, there’s this trick with peanut butter, and… okay, this has gone too far. But really, if you’re feeling lonely, and just want someone to chill with, your dog will be there for you every time.
5. He Makes You More Likable
People trust dog owners. They just do. It shows that you can care about something more than yourself. But more than that, it softens you in other people’s eyes, the same way a baby does, only your dog won’t grow up to steal all your liquor and call you a fascist. As long as you’re not Buffalo Bill raving about putting lotion in baskets while cradling your dog, you’re all set. It can make all the difference in the world.
4. He Knows When You’re Sick
Dogs are natural illness detectors. It’s almost creepy. There have been studies that show that dogs can detect cancer with over 80% accuracy. But they also are capable of warning you when you have low blood sugar or are about to have a seizure, or really, whenever anything is just… off. Of course, you have to be willing to listen and work out what your dog is trying to tell you, but that’s all on you, man. He’s doing his part. After all, he’s not just your best friend. You’re his best friend. You’re everything to him, and he’s so in tune with you, that he can go to damn near supernatural lengths to make sure you don’t stroke out on him. Now that’s a friend.
3. He Keeps You Healthy
Rather than just let you know when you’re sick, your dog will actually keep you from getting sick in the first place. No, your dog isn’t actually an old voodoo sorcerer. It’s just that simply by being around he keeps you more active and stress free. After all, no matter how stressful life gets, it’s hard to not feel happy around your dog. That is a dude who will keep you grounded and sane when everything else in your life has gone completely off the rails. I’m not just making this shit up. People with dogs have longer life spans than people without. That’s just science, man, and you’re not going to argue with science, are you?
2. He Protects You
I’m not talking about all that health stuff here. No, I’m talking about literal physical protection. Sure, your bros might talk tough, but nobody’s worried about taking on your boy Dennis when he’s shitfaced drunk at two in the morning, especially after he pisses himself. Your dog, on the other hand, will straight up take out an attacker’s throat for you. Now that’s hardcore. No one is going to mess with a dude with a dog. It doesn’t even really matter if your dog is a badass or not because here’s the thing – no one will be willing to find out. For a late night burglar that’s a hell of a roll of the dice. Sure, he might end up getting smooches from the gentlest dog alive, but he also might end up getting his scrotum ripped off. Suddenly that house down the street with the goldfish looks like a better target.
1. He’s the Ultimate Wingman
Remember what I said about your dog being like a baby, only better? Yeah, here’s where it really works. Take your dog out for a simple walk, and pretty soon ladies will be fawning all over him, and then all over you like you’re the world’s greatest single dad, only without all the relationship drama. Again, as long as you’re not a gargoyle, your dog is the best ice breaker in the world. He automatically puts women at ease because hey, you must be a good dude, you’ve got a dog. I mean, you just don’t get this with a cat. Take a cat out and the ladies will be looking at you like you’re Dr. Evil. That shit’s just weird, man. But a dog, well, a dog will put in work for you, and he won’t expect anything in return. You don’t even have to return the favor with the bitches at the park. Then again, maybe you should. After all, that’s what best friends are for.