Blazed Movie Review: ‘Ender’s Game’


I wonder if they let you smoke pot in the holographic military academies of the future? So here’s a quick little thing: if you go out on Thursday nights to see movies to get them reviewed on Friday morning and you smoke pot before you do it, make sure it’s not Halloween. There’s always a little drama involved in doing drugs on Halloween – when I was like 17 I dropped acid and it was a really bad idea. But when you’re just a little baked it can be sort of fun until it’s not. Like you’ll be laughing at stuff and then you’ll see some guy in a costume out of the corner of your eye and it’ll plant a seed in your head like hey, what if you actually had worms in your body?

Anyways. Ender’s Game. Semi-controversial new sci-fi film with Harrison Ford and some kid, based on a book by a guy with a beard who hates gays and got fired from writing Superman. I’m not going to “teach the controversy” or anything so just know that the guy is a Not Cool Old Guy. But a lot of people love this book. Like “Atlas Shrugged” level love it. I haven’t read it.

So it’s the future and in the future kids are being sent to weird high-tech military academies because apparently you have to be a kid to be a good leader? Or something? I dunno, it seems like a pretty bad idea. I have two kids and they suck at tactical engagement. They don’t even know basic flanking! So the main kid in this is named “Ender Wiggin” which just makes me think “Ralph Wiggum” whenever he’s on the screen and that doesn’t help. He goes to the Battle School where Harrison Ford is his teacher and then he goes to Command School where Ben Kingsley (with the amazingly hilarious name “Mazer Rackham”) is his teacher and then he wins the war against the aliens, the end.

But there’s a “big twist” and it “raises questions” that “really make you think” and – I can’t even. I wasn’t excited at any point during this whole movie. It’s a big shiny thing that thinks it’s smarter than other big shiny things. The acting is all pretty good and I guess it’s worth seeing but it’s just another movie, you know? After all the gay-hating and the arguments it’s just another Hunger Games kids fighting crossed with a Starship Troopers without any of that movie’s balls. Just kids who wash their face a lot having emotions and sometimes dying. I can see that at home, except for the last part.

Disclaimer: I fixed all the spelling and grammar errors but left all the other dumb stuff in.