Blazed Movie Reviews: The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger


If they were high making it, why shouldn’t I be high watching it? Remember when we predicted the summer’s movie flops and had The Lone Ranger near the top of the list? As much as I hate to say it, we were right.

Who would spend $250 million to make a Western about a guy with a crow on his head? Disney, that’s who, and they’re sucking it up now as nobody was in the theater to see this when I was. It was totally ass-empty except for me and a couple old people, and they walked out before the movie was over.

You know how sometimes when you’re high a movie will just zip by and be over before you know it? The Lone Ranger is the opposite of that. It’s two and a half hours long and it felt like six. Even with all the huge bombastic action scenes and stuff it just drags. I had to piss twice during it and I don’t feel like I missed anything.

So, the story: it’s a big flashback narrated by an old Johnny Depp as Tonto in horrible old person makeup about how he met John Reid and how he became the Lone Ranger. But here’s the bite: it takes over an hour for dude to put the mask on and start kicking ass. My attention span isn’t that short but literally that could have been cut down to like 15 minutes and it would have been fine. It’s ridiculous that everything in the movie takes forever to happen.

The other weird thing is that I couldn’t really figure out who this movie is for. The script is super dumb and corny so you’d think it would be for kids but then there’s a part where the main bad guy cuts out somebody’s heart and eats it! And then there’s another part where like a million Comanches get shot to death by machine guns and right after it Tonto makes a joke about a horse. Doesn’t even take a minute to make a sad face. Just “Mass Murder, horse joke.”

This movie is really messed up, and not in an interesting way. It’s like that old He-Man toy Modulok where it was a bunch of different monster pieces that you could put together but it always looked like a disabled crab no matter what you did. It doesn’t make any sense and it’s hard to believe anybody at the studio sat down, watched it and went “Yep, that’s ready. Get it out there.”

Don’t see this movie. You’re probably already not seeing it, but don’t see it anyways.

Disclaimer: I fixed all the typos and grammar errors but left everything else in.