Game of Thrones season finale recap – written by a man who’s never seen an episode

by 5 years ago

Game of Thrones season finale

The Game of Thrones season finale seemed like as a good a time as any other.

My Game of Thrones knowledge is minimal. Knowledge isn’t even the appropriate word.

Knowledge implies an acquaintance or familiarity of the Game of Thrones world gained by experience or study.

I know less than squat.

If my grasp of Game of Thrones were a college dorm poster the words in Impact font at the top of the poster would read ALL I REALLY KNOW ABOUT GAME OF THRONES I LEARNED LIKE A KINDERGARTNER and beneath that text a caricature of myself sitting atop that throne with the pipe organ backside. The throne faces a corner, and atop my head, a white cone cap proclaiming Domb.

Under the drawing would be only these four bullet points stating every nugget of Game of Thrones information — obtained accidentally — through pop culture references, overheard office conversations and mindless Twitter scrolling on Sunday nights at 9pm.

The series is an adaptation of a collection of books written by George R.R. Martin. The R.R., according to the former host of a popular comedic radio show stands for “Rail Road” because of Martin’s lust of railroad conductor hats.

– Each book is substantial in size, story arc and death. This according to my brother-in-law, who read one book on a vacation before it became a popular TV show.
– Martin kills countless characters. A couple weeks ago a thing called Mountain squashed a man’s head.
– The show is fantastic. I have to watch it. This according to everyone in the world.

So why start watching at the Game of Thrones series finale? Because I’m tired of people asking if I watch Game of Thrones and because my consumption of all new media is accomplished by diving head-first into the deepest part of the pool.

After judging a book by it’s cover at the bookstore, I’ll open to a random page in the dead center of text and just start reading without any knowledge of character or story. I’ve done the same with comic books, TV shows and podcasts. I don’t want to watch a boxer during his first professional match but I’ll buy a pay-per-view on the day he’s fighting for championship gold. This Game of Thrones season finale is the championship fight.

Meet me in the middle, grab my attention, and I’ll go back to the beginning if I’m hooked.

The Game of Thrones season finale seemed like as good a time as ever to start. Now, this will in no way be a serious recap. This article is my initial impressions, questions and thoughts on the Game of Thrones season finale and watching the show for the first time.

Game of Thrones season finale recap

The Game of Thrones introduction is reminiscent of the old HBO introduction that took viewers on a point of view journey through a fictional city that ended with a maniacal spin around the O in HBO until the words FEATURE PRESENTATION appeared. Every time that intro played as a kid my juvenile mind would scream MOVIEMOVIEMOVIE! As I teen, my mind screamed THISMIGHTBEAMOVIEWITHNAKEDTITS! The Game of Thrones introduction is causing my mind to scream both because I’m excited for the show and there’s a possibility of tits.

The Game of Thrones season finale begins with birds picking at a dead body as a man in a very large winter overcoat made of blackbird feathers, let’s call him Skip, stomps with heavy breaths through snow-covered wild. He looks angry, possibly sad, but reasonably warm in his feathered cape.

Game of Thrones season finale

Skip is surrounded by bald men and comes face to face with a dude who bears an odd resemblance to the guy at Lowe’s who sold me a washing machine. Though their faces are similar, the guy at Lowes wasn’t dressed like this guy. I’m not sure I’d buy a washing from a guy dressed like an actor from Game of Thrones. If a Game of Thrones extra wants to sell me a grill, I’m all ears, but a washing machine…eh…I’m asking to talk to the guy who looks like an extra on Silicon Valley.

Skip’s name is Jon Snow. Not Skip. Slightly disappointed since Jon Snow’s an incredibly mundane name. The conversation reveals that a woman who Skip had relations with – let’s call her Leslie — put three arrows in him but now she’s dead. That’s a heavy burden that I’m not sure a man named Skip could carry.

The guy from Lowe’s offers Jon Snow a deal. It’s a solid offer. I don’t know what the hell it means but he makes a strong case for his people. Maybe he could sell me a washing machine.

A group of attacking men on choreographed ponies bring with them my first official Game of Thrones kills. The carnage wasn’t close up, no were skulls crushed, but it’s early in the Game of Thrones season finale and I’m itching to see some skulls crushed. I can’t tell which soldier is on which side. The scene is confusing. The battle is just like the World Cup except it’s interesting and there will be a clear winner and most Americans care about the eventual outcome.

Since the Game of Thrones season finale is my maiden voyage, I’m obviously lost on the father, daughter, child, brother dynamic but it seems similar to any other JESUS CHRIST, DID SHE JUST KISS HER BROTHER? IS SHE TONGUE HUMPING HER BROTHER? IS SHE GOING TO BANG HER BROTHER?

Game of Thrones season finale

[Pauses show. Wikipedia. Reading…reading…]

MUTHAFATHER, SHE JUST PLAYED GAME OF BONES WITH HER BROTHER ON THAT TABLE!

Rail Road Martin, you’re a sick son of a bitch.

A white-haired girl, let’s call her Ginger, is brought a bag of bones that were supposedly the body of a 3-year-old girl. I’m suspicious. Ginger and her pet dragons go for a stroll. I bet dragons were the pit bulls of medieval times — intimidating pets that had owners constantly trying to convince skeptics that they were harmless creatures and “it all depends on the upbringing.” Then one day the pet dragon incinerates the head of a neighbor hovering a little too close to the shared fence. That’s why Ginger locked those two up. Ginger don’t want to get sued. Her homeowners insurance doesn’t cover accidental incineration and shut up, the both of you, or people will show up and want her to put you down for good!

Game of Thrones season finale

The troop! The troop! The troop is on fire! We don’t need no water let those…

How long does Jon Snow have to wait before he can date again? What’s an acceptable amount of time to mourn the loss of a girl who loved you, tried to kill you, got killed and then you burned her dead corpse? Is he permitted out at Ye Olde Applebee’s the next night on the prowl?

Game of Thrones season finale

After traveling a considerable distance, this family looked incredibly happy to see a tree. I felt the same way on a family vacation to Joshua Tree. I was all like “when the fuck are we getting to this tree. This is taking forever and we’re gonna miss U2! After an hour, I was wishing for an attack from half-dead mongrels living in the ground. “WE MISSED U2! SOMEONE EMERGE FROM THE GROUND AND EAT MY FLESH CUZ THIS VACATION BLOWS!”

Brandon Stark? Jon Snow? Is this medieval times or a varsity lacrosse team at a Connecticut prep school?

That blonde woman who looked like Kate McKinnon doing Ellen doing a character in Game of Thrones was ba-nanas.

Finally! A Peter Dinklage sighting. He made this entire Game of Thrones season finale experiment even more enjoyable with the greatest “I’m sorry” after murder ever muttered. Incredibly entertaining. It should be a Vine. There is no way to top that Dinklage. Killing your old man on the shitter with a crossbow is good but that apology is legendary.

Game of Thrones season finale recap final, meaningless grade: B+

Season 5 of Game of Thrones doesn’t have an official start date. Internet speculation forecasting next spring, which is more than enough time to catch up on the first four seasons.

The B+ would have been a solid A if the finale included boob. Preferably of the non-incest variety.

Chris Illuminati is a senior editor with Guyism and now, probably, a Game of Thrones fan. Follow him on Twitter.

And now, a REAL recap of the Game of Thrones season finale


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