Hangovers are the bane of every fun loving dude and lady dude’s existence. And while most people are probably aware of the sensible (boring) “cures” like getting lots of rest, drinking fluids and not drinking enough alcohol to incapacitate a large bear in the first place, there are a handful of, well, let’s just call them weirder cures. These cures come from all corners of the globe, developed in secret drunken labs by witch doctors and frat boys, old housewives and exorcists, and while most of them seem to be a mixture of desperation, hope and magic, the one thing they all have in common is that they all seem to somehow work, which makes them nine of the weirdest hangover cures on earth.
9. Sweat Licking
This is an old Native American hangover cure, and it involves working up a good sweat the morning after, licking that nasty shit straight off your body like the world’s most heinous body shot, swishing it around like you’re at a wine tasting and then spitting it back out. Yeah, I don’t know either. This probably has more to do with sweating out toxins, but I’m guessing some Native American bro decided to lick it up, probably on a dare, and then swore he felt better just so his idiot bros would do it too. Never underestimate peer pressure.
8. Prairie Oyster
This concoction goes by many names and has several different secondary ingredients, but the one common factor is that the centerpiece of this “cure” is a single raw egg. People are just weird, what can I say? I would assume that swallowing a raw egg probably makes you vomit everything out or makes you train like Rocky, either of which will probably eventually do the trick, but at what cost? You either have a mouth full of vomit or you end up getting brain damage from a giant Russian who killed your best friend. Wait, what were we talking about again?
7. Snorting Rhino Horn
Now we’re talking! Things just got kicked up a notch. This particular cure involves procuring illegal rhino horn, which is expensive as hell, grinding it up and then snorting that shit like Rick James. Look, I’ll be honest with you, if you’re dropping thousands of dollars to snort ground up animal parts you have bigger problems than simple hangovers. Still, I won’t judge your choices. Just be careful, because one day you’re doing just a toot of rhino to take the edge of a hangover, the next you’re in an alley sucking some dealer’s horn for a taste of that rhino magic. It’s a slippery slope.
6. Eat a Dick
No, you don’t have to go down to the nearest truck stop and starting blowing dudes in glory holes. I mean, not unless you want to. I’m talking good ol’ fashioned bull penis. This is an old Sicilian cure – because of course it is – and the premise seems to be that by grinding away on some withered bull junk like it’s beef jerky you regain your vitality. Again, if you’re gnawing on a bull’s dick because you have a headache, then you probably have bigger issues going on. Still, I am not about to argue with Sicilians. My opinion on eating bull penises is not worth a generations-long blood feud.
5. Oxygen Mask
It makes sense. You always feel a little better if you get some fresh air, and so why not go with the freshest, purest air there is? Plus, you’ll look like a cool fighter pilot. Don’t listen to all those people pointing and laughing at you. You can trust me.
4. Hydration Station
Hydration Stations are basically spas that hook you up to IV bags and pump you full of fluids and minerals while sweating all the toxins out. Honestly, that seems like a whole lot of bother to get rid of something that is, well, just a whole lot of bother, but do what you’ve gotta do. Really, there is nothing magical or complicated about this one. It’s basic science. Of course, it’s also expensive and you’ll probably have a hard time finding one nearby, but did you know you can make your own hydration station? It’s called a glass of water and, get this, you drink it. Amazing!
3. Eat Shit
If you’ve progressed to this point, then I’m afraid your hangover is probably so bad that you’re likely actually dead. Seriously, what the hell? There are amazingly – and sadly – several variations on this theme. One was actually brewed up by cowboys in the old west, probably desperate and blind on moonshine, surrounded by nothing but tumbleweeds and dirty rabbits to take away their pain. After the tumbleweeds didn’t work (please tell me they tried that first) they gathered up rabbit shit, dried it and then brewed it in a tea. Fancier versions include sparrow shit mixed with brandy, and really I’m just intrigued that there seems to be a shit eating hangover cure class system going on. Is this what Marx was talking about?
Don’t act like you’re surprised. You know how desperate you are when you have a hangover. Of course people have tried voodoo, and just like with everything voodoo related, if you believe strongly enough then hey, why not? One cure popular in parts of the Caribbean is sticking needles in the cork of the bottle that forced its contents down your innocent throat the night before. That’s right, people are straight up voodoo dolling their rum. That’s what it has come to. I would try this, but I’m afraid my butt will give birth to a snake or something ridiculous like that. It’s possible I don’t understand voodoo. That is how it works, right? Also, I respect your religion, please don’t get offended and give me butt snakes. Thank you, and bless Jobu.
Ah, nature’s number one cure. Headache? Have sex. Hangover? Have sex. Just found out you have cancer? Have sex. Hemorrhoids? Have… well, maybe not. But still, of course sex is a cure for a hangover. You’re working up a sweat, releasing endorphins and all manner of good shit that counteracts your hangover blues. But really, regardless of any scientific reasons, you’re going to feel better because, well, because you’re having sex. Do you really need any more than that? No hangover on earth can withstand the busting of a mighty nut. For a minute or two anyway, then you’ll just go back to feeling like dog shit. But still! That’s a minute or two you won’t be thinking of throwing up all over the place. Well, not unless that’s your fetish, but that’s a different topic for a different day.