This is Jimmy Howard. He is a goalie for the Detroit Red Wings.
This is Jimmy Howard without his head.
A group of men were seen this morning posing with the bobblehead before brutally decapitating it. They escaped in a Chevy Malibu because yes, that’s the kind of getaway vehicle someone would use when stealing a bobblehead.
Goddammn you stupid suburbanites.
For what it’s worth, there’s another theory floating around—and it’s quite wild.
Another theory floating around is perhaps a serial decapitator is on the loose — heartbroken over the Wings loss in the first round of the playoffs. According to 97.1 The Ticket fan Kurtis Adum, Pavel Datsuyk’s statue received the same treatment about a week ago.
Detroit problems, ranked:
2) Corrupt politicians
3) Absent police force
4) Serial bobblehead decapitator
5) Not enough strip clubs
You know what, fuck this. The police aren’t gonna look for these guys, so I will. If you know anything, drop me a line on Twitter. Let’s catch these assholes. Let’s send them to pound me in the ass federal prison.
UPDATE: It’s been found
WXYZ reports that the Howard bobblehead head was found in Allen Park. Hmmm… http://t.co/T3edVdKruK
— George Malik (@georgemalik) May 1, 2014