Here are several legitimate reasons to shave your stupid beard — one is based on actual research

via Flickr Commons


Nice beard, fella. Now shave it. It’s stupid and ruining your life. Beards had their moment. Now, they’re over. Even Wikipedia hates beards.

Over the course of history, men with facial hair have been ascribed various attributes such as wisdom, sexual virility, masculinity, or a higher status; however, beards may at times have also been perceived to be associated with a loss of refinement.

You’ve lost refinement. You lack wisdom, sexual virility, masculinity and status. Even if you’ve got those attributes in spades, no one will know, because every hominid with a blue-veined piccolo below the belt has a beard. Every man can’t be sweating awesome.

Five o’clock shadows are permissible, or if you’re currently using a face blade to thwart off a home invasion I’ll permit the face thatch, but every other guy needs to show up for work in the AM with a face smoother than John Legend serenading Christine Teigen’s beef curtains.

Here’s why:

You grew it just because and that’s a stupid reason

Maybe you saw it in a magazine or spotted a guy on the train with a thick face of hair. Doesn’t matter. If on that same subway ride a guy whipped out his junk, pulled his pockets out from his pants, and introduced female passengers to his baby elephant, would you do the same? (If it worked, give it a shot). No. So some anonymous lumberjack has a beard and suddenly you’re Paul Bunyan of the McDonald’s managerial world?  Stop following.

No matter what they say, people think it’s dumb

“I like your beard,” they said because they were being nice and the alternative was “why the hell would you let pubes surround your mouth?” Everyone thinks your beard is dumb. They’ll never tell you. They value your feelings. I think you’re a twit.

It’s more work than shaving

“I grew this beard because I hate to shave,” was the reason but every man hates to shave but we do it because we’re men and 98% of our life involves doing things we don’t like to do. Caring for a beard is much more work than shaving your face bare every couple days. You’ve got to trim it so it doesn’t tickle your lip, comb it for food and possible vaginal excretion (that’s what you smell all day) and put in products so you’re not scratching it all day like a baboon with an anxiety tick. How often do you think about your bald face? Rarely. You think about your beard all the time. You’re thinking about it right now, scratching it, reading this article and thinking of ways to insult my mother in the comments. Make it a good one, I’ve heard most.

‘Peak beard’ has been reached

In case my reasons aren’t valid, now the gents in the white coats will explain why you should take a Schtick to your kisser sooner rather than later. Research conducted by the University of NSW finds that “when people are confronted by a succession of bearded men, clean-shaven men become more attractive to them.” In easier terms, attractiveness of facial hair declines the more men adopt it. Women are tired of them, and I asked them all, when I banged them last night. All 500 million laughed at your dumb beard. It was a long night.

Also, stop playing recreational sports.

Chris Illuminati avatar
Chris Illuminati is a 5-time published author and recovering a**hole who writes about running, parenting, and professional wrestling.