This isn’t an opinion. I’m a doctor and this is medical fact. What is the big deal with Olympic swimming? You know who is born knowing how to swim? Dogs. And we don’t put their pictures on cereal boxes. First we had bong-hitting Michael Phelps as America’s sweetheart, and now we have Ryan Lochte, an inexplicably popular Olympic medalist who is getting his own reality show on E!, because that’s just what America likes to do. The trailer for the thing just dropped and I think I lost about 200 SAT points just watching it.
Entertainment Weekly has the exclusive video, which means that we only need to take one website off of the Internet forever. Click here to watch it, then come back to share the insane, hissing anger I feel at the entire civilized universe.
Did you know Lochte has TRADEMARKED the word “Jeah?” Who does that? Who trademarks a word? He takes like sixteen hours to teach you, the viewer, how to properly pronounce this four-letter nonsense word. Then we get the traditional Jersey Shore-esque scenes of Lochte and his meathead buddies at lame-ass clubs hitting on girls. You have to believe that the people at E! know exactly what they’re doing with this crap and the Kardashian crap – they know that idiots bring in money and they’re happy to exploit their utter lack of self-awareness.
My worry is that the youth of America are going to look at this guy – and no diss intended to his athletic achievements, Ryan Lochte is very good at moving his body through chlorinated water faster than other people can move their bodies through chlorinated water – and consider it aspirational to have your name printed on the sole of a pair of shoes and copyright a nonsense word. And our society is already screwed enough as it is.
What Would Ryan Lochte Do? premieres on April 21st. I recommend we all board ourselves up in our compounds and declare war on the U.S. government.