The Summer X Games are back this week, which means that misfits and degenerates from around the world will be descending on Austin, Texas for one extra-long EXTREEEME weekend. A weekend where they will be competing in extreme events involving BMX bikes, skateboards, hand grenades and dirt-bikes. Okay, so I might have made one of those up. But that’s only because the time has come to truly spice up the X Games, to, yes, take it to the extreme. That means that there needs to be some new sports, some more, well, let’s call them entertaining sports. And in the interest of entertainment, and of course, being totally extreeeeeme (sponsored by a popular energy drink, no doubt) we bring you these nine “sports” we’d like to see included in the Summer X Games.
9. Beer Pong
Come on, how is this not already an event? It fits the core demographic of the X Games, and let’s face it, all those hooligans down in Austin will just be playing this anyway during their downtime. Might as well get a camera crew out there and film the action. And don’t pretend like you wouldn’t watch Shaun White or (insert name of another popular X Games athlete here) getting completely shitfaced while still desperately trying to hang onto their competitive fire. This is the true national pastime, and it’s about damn time it’s represented.
8. Arm Wrestling
You’d watch this. Don’t lie. I mean, are you really going to turn down an opportunity to witness a real life version of Over the Top? Sure, Stallone won’t be there – well, not unless they start a senior’s division, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves – but that doesn’t mean it still won’t be hilarious to listen to some burly dude explain his training regimen of hand curls and jacking-off. At the very least, you’d probably get to see some wild broken arm footage, and if pro wrestling has taught me anything, at some point someone will get frustrated and hit their opponent with a chair or throw fire in their face.
7. Miniature Golf
This would be riveting. All putts all the time, only with windmills and clown faces involved. Just imagine some cocky Tiger Woods wannabe smashing their putter after a bad ricochet, or some junior Phil Mickelson melting down because there was a squirrel living in the clown’s mouth. This would be some next level shit right here, and I’m not just saying that because 9 year old me would have been a prodigy. You could even have a couples division for all those dudes and lady dudes on awkward first dates. The possibilities are endless.
6. The Tricycle Race from ‘Revenge of the Nerds’
Okay, maybe that is a little bit too specific. I mean, you don’t need to import Ogre, Booger and the gang or anything – although, let’s face it, that would help ratings – but you can totally include this as a sport even without the Revenge of the Nerds association. The rules are simple. It’s a tricycle race and after each lap the contestants must chug a beer. Sure, technically this would be drunk driving, but these are tricycles, you killjoys, no one is going to mow down a gaggle of schoolchildren. This would be high drama. Who will finish? Who will collapse in a drunken heap? Who will pass out over the handlebars while everyone hoots and laughs? We need this.
5. Beard and Mustache Wars
Yeah, it’s not really a sport, but who cares? Again, this is right up the demographic alley, and even though it sounds completely ridiculous, you’d totally check this out, if only to see these dudes trying to top each other’s ridiculous beard and mustache “designs.” You could have categories for style and creativity along with more straightforward competitions for length and, uh… bushiness? Girth? Whatever. The point is that finally there would be a sport that would reward you for being too lazy to shave, and that’s a sport I can get behind.
This is another one of those sports that just seems like a no-brainer once you bring it up? I mean, come on, how fun would this be? Get elite level athletes just whipping balls at each other’s heads and watch the TV ratings explode. Sure, some church ladies out there would probably throw a fit about concussions and they’d have to include ridiculous trigger warnings for nerds traumatized from middle school gym class, but those are just mere details to be overcome. There are balls just waiting to be thrown, noses dying to be broken… let’s make this happen.
Instead of a closing ceremony, just have everyone split into teams and have a giant paintball war-game. There, I just made the X Games 1,000,000% more interesting. Let’s not overthink this.
2. Dwarf Tossing
Look, I know I’ll catch some heat for this, but even assholes need a sport (well, other than Lacrosse…) And yes, this would be protested by everyone with a twitter account and a constant need to complain about shit, but deep down in the darkest places of your heart, admit it, admit that if you were channel surfing and you came across some jackass chucking a dwarf through the air that you would watch it. Don’t lie to me. Don’t pretend like you would change the channel out of disgust. Besides, who are you to judge the choices of our dwarf athletes? After all, outside of midget wrestling, there aren’t a whole lot of sporting options for them. If they and one of their bros decide to team up and form a tosser/tossee bond that transcends your petty moralizing, then who are you to judge? Am I rationalizing this because I’m ashamed that I kinda actually want to see this? You bet your ass.
Yes, that’s baseketball. Not baseball. Not basketball. Baseketball. For more, see the movie of the same name. Watch it and then tell me that this isn’t the best idea. You’d watch this all day long. Frankly, I have no idea how this hasn’t already caught on as one of our major sports. Sure, people would laugh, but you know who else people laughed at? Jesus. And he was the original X-gamer, having taken the gold in the water walking competition back in the day. Now I’m not saying that if you love Jesus then you have to embrace baseketball, but frankly, the evidence is pretty compelling. Do the right thing, X-Games. That’s all I ask. It’s what Jesus would do.