9 stages of a hangover

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When we’re hungover, we may not realize it, but we go through a few different stages. One hungover morning in college I woke up with my pants filled to the brim with candy. What was your finest hangover moment and which of the below stages did it take place in?

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9 Drinking

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Like a lone sperm flying through the Fallopian tube on its way to make human life, your hangover is in the process of being creating even before it begins. Little do you know, as you crack open your first beer, that a skull-screwing hangover awaits.

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8 Dreaming

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Now you’re having one of those fucked up, alcohol-induced dreams where Ace Ventura is piloting you and a bunch of summer camp sluts around in a blimp for some reason. Enjoy it while it lasts, because soon you’ll be…

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7 Waking Up

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Piercing light. Clammy skin. Parched throat. Pounding head. What’s going on?

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6 Realization

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Dizzying flashes of last night’s debauchery are invading your consciousness. And then you realize just how much you consumed. At that moment, you feel your head is pounding and your stomach juices churning and the need to relieve yourself (from a more strategic position than you currently hold nestled in your sweaty hangover cocoon).

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5 Bodily Functions

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You’ve made it to the bathroom without pitching forward onto your face. Congratulations. Now you look at yourself in the mirror and almost laugh and sob at the same time because you’ve never seen yourself look so ugly before. It’s time to Do the Doo.

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4 Regret

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You finish evacuating and begin to recognize that you’ll never be able to do any of the things you had hoped to today. You can barely stand up straight, so how will you do anything except for sifting through your Netflix queue, hoping to Olmec that you won’t york?

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3 Eating

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You yorked. Now it’s time to eat something to fill that aching hole in your stomach. You’re gulping down some water and looking through your fridge. Luckily, there are some eggs and butter and cheese. You make a greasy, over-sized sandwich and force it down your gullet. It is delicious.

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2 Feeling Like Yourself Again

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Thankful for fattening hangover food, you’ve finally begun to do things like open your eyes all the way, respond when spoken to and not weep softly for more than 5 minutes at a time.

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1 Drinking Again

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You decide to reward yourself with a drink. And so, the cycle begins again.

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(Previously published on May 13, 2013.)