Talking about people’s sexual fetishes is like peeling back the layers of an onion – it just gets more and more disgusting and messy the further you go and eventually you start crying. Of course that’s just because I find onions disgusting anyway. You, on the other hand, might have gotten an erection the moment I mentioned peeling onions. That’s because it seems like there is a fetish for everything, from feet to stuffed animals to, well, onions. Yes, the world is filled with degenerates and while some fetishes are harmless and just kinda goofy, some of them are really, really weird, and in some cases really, really dangerous. It’s to these bizarre and occasionally deadly fetishes that this list is dedicated. Here are eight of the weirdest sexual fetishes, and may God have mercy on all of our souls.
Photo credit: Accretion Disc, Flickr
8 Trees
Scientific Name: Dendrophilia
Yes, trees. There are people out there who get sprung at the thought of rubbing up against a redwood. I’m not sure how you would bang a tree, though. Drill a hole and get busy? I don’t know. What I do know is that it would probably hurt. I can’t even imagine the chafing issues that would come with trying to put your dick in a tree. Sure, you could probably peel the bark off and… you know what? I’m not doing this. I’m not going to mentally picture and then explain to you a safe way to hump a tree. Life is just too short.
Photo credit: Accretion Disc, Flickr
7 Licking Eyeballs
Scientific Name: Oculolinctus
How do you even learn that licking eyeballs is a thing that turns you on? I mean, that’s not something that just happens by accident. You don’t just trip one day, fall into someone, accidentally lick their eyeball and then find that you have an erection. So how in the hell does this happen? Do people just go around licking eyeballs on the off chance that it might get them hot? Leaving all that aside, though… eeeeewwwwww. Licking an eyeball? That’s pretty damn gross. And who are these people who are just letting dudes and lady dudes lick their eyeballs? Wouldn’t that be kinda dangerous? Wouldn’t it hurt? I know I have a lot of questions, questions that, to be honest, I really don’t want the answers to but I’m a man of science and letters and it is my job to ask the tough questions, questions like WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU LET SOMEONE LICK YOUR EYEBALL?
Photo credit: Kelly’s Kustom Pinstriping, Flickr
6 Pretending to be a Vampire
Scientific Name: Autovampirism
Sure, sure, millions of squealing teenage girls and millions more middle aged housewives get all hot and bothered these days whenever the word “vampire” is uttered but this one is a little different. Autovampirists (I may have just made up a word) can only get aroused by imagining themselves as vampires. So that means that if you run into a dude who claims to be into autovampirism, just remember that he gets a boner only when imagining killing and eating you. And not the good kind of eating that you ladies enjoy but the kind that ends with your blood dripping from his teeth while he bitches about garlic and wooden stakes. I’m just saying, if you meet a dude wearing a cape, he’s either into autovampirism or he’s a gay hipster. Either way, you’re probably not going to end up satisfied.
Photo credit: zachflanders, Flickr
5 Turning a Person into Furniture
Scientific Name: Forniphilia
Uh… *slowly backs away*
Photo credit: Wickerfurniture, Flickr
4 Amputation
Scientific Name(s): Acrotomophilia and Apotemnophilia
Being sexually attracted to people because they have missing limbs (Acrotomophilia) is weird enough on its own, but it’s nowhere near as fucked up as its cousin, Apotemnophilia, or being aroused by the idea of having your own limbs amputated. Hell, some people apparently go so far as to actually have their arms or legs cut off because the arousal is so strong. Yeah, and to make it even weirder, they force themselves to stay awake during the procedure, without anesthesia because the memory of getting chopped can keep their juices flowing for years. Think about that the next time that double amputee begs you for change on the side of the street. Sure, he might really be a war veteran but he might just be a giant pervert. You never know.
Photo credit: Naval History & Heritage Command, Flickr
3 Tearing Out the Genitals by the Roots
Scientific Name: Ederacinism
Sweet Jesus! Yes, there are some people who can only be turned on by, uh, having their dicks torn off. I suppose there are women out there with this fetish too but I’m not sure how you would tear out a vagina. Maybe if you put some double sided sticky tape on a… no. No, we’re not doing this. For one thing it’s too messed up. For another, I don’t want to get Guyism sued because some freak got a little too carried away after reading this. No one tear out their vaginas, okay? Okay.
Photo credit: MartialArtsNomad.com, Flickr
2 Being Eaten
Scientific Name: Vorarephilia
People with vorarephilia can only get off by imagining themselves being eaten, and again I’m not talking about the cool sexy way. I’m talking about someone putting on a bib and going to work on your arms and legs with a knife and fork. The good news is that the people who actually put this into practice are quickly eliminated from the gene pool. The bad news, of course, is that someone is out there actually eating people. Perhaps we should introduce Vorarephiles to Vampirists. It would be a match made in some fucked up version of heaven I never, ever want to visit. And then once they’re introduced, we should gas them. Don’t ever let it be said that I am not all about finding solutions to real problems.
Photo credit: justin, Flickr
1 Dying
Scientific Name: What in the Hell?
Speaking of people getting taken out of the gene pool… these freaks can get only get off by putting themselves in situations where they are likely to die. So the next time you see someone lying in front of an oncoming train don’t bother to save them. Just let them get that elusive boner moments before they are run over. I’m sorry, I don’t even know what in the hell to write here. Dying? Are you serious? How do we even know that this is a thing? In order to achieve a state of arousal you would, by default, have to be dead and unable to tell anyone that it actually worked. Then again, given rigor mortis, perhaps this has all been one terrible, terrible mistake. Just because a person died with a boner doesn’t mean that they were turned on by dying. That’s just poor science. Right? Actually instead of trying to find an answer to that I’m just going to go sit in the shower and cry. Good Lord.
Photo credit: Ambient Damage, Flickr
(Previously published on October 8, 2012.)