As you get older, one thing you’ll notice is that your pool of friends will decrease year-by-year, until one day the only people texting you are your wife and your 8-year-old son, who your wife insisted on getting a phone “in case of emergencies” (i.e. Snapchatting his balls to a classmate and getting suspended because that’s what happens when you give third-graders cell phones).
But this article isn’t about what an asshole father I’m gonna be. This article is about the people you’ll have in your inner or not-so-inner circle at some point on the journey to eternal solidarity with your significant other and dipshit kid. These are the types of friends every bro will have at some point in his 20s:
The College Buddy
You guys were best bros in college but moved back to your respective shitty hometowns after graduation. The sole purpose of The College Buddy is to meet up once or twice a year and drink like you guys are still in college. You don’t talk about life, you don’t talk about the future, all you do is meet at a bar and try to recreate the greatest years of your lives.
Similar to The College Buddy, The Reminiscer loves to talk about the past and how much fun you guys used to have. The problem is that you guys didn’t go to college together, it was high school, and you can only hear the story about when Fitzy shit his pants in 10th-grade gym class so many times.
The Peter Pan
The Peter Pan is 27-years-old and still goes to Panama City for Spring Break. He lives at home with his parents because he thinks that not paying rent is cool. He invites you to the bar on Wednesday nights and then gets personally offended when you say no. He’s always the first to order a round of shots at the bar but always the last to buy them. He makes fun of you for having a girlfriend because getting pussy is for pussies, and he’s the only guy you know who still uses the term “whipped.”
The Married Guy
On the opposite end of the spectrum, there’s The Married Guy. The Married Guy can be really fun or really miserable depending on what type of married guy he is. He’s either resigned to the fact that his wife now runs his life and he just doesn’t answer your texts anymore, or he keeps his sense of humor about it and sneaks away for some guy time whenever he can. Sometimes The Married Guy can be the most fun guy at the bar because he only gets let out of his cage once a decade and when he does he goes all out.
Sometimes the person you live with was already your best friend before you moved in together, but that’s not the type of person I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the guy you found on Craigslist who you hang with the most during the week because you live together, but on weekends he’s like the 6th person you ask about weekend plans because he’s still on the cusp of your “real” friends. You’ll undoubtedly bond on random Saturday nights at 4AM over a joint and a shitty HBO movie, but all in all he’ll probably end up in the First Four Out section of your wedding party.
The Work Friend
The Work Friend takes the obligatory friend concept to a whole new level. Compared to The Work Friend, The Roommate is basically the guy you’d take a bullet for. You and The Work Friend make borderline uncomfortable small talk around the office, occasionally exchanging a couple emails about the strategy of waiting to take a quarterback in fantasy football drafts. The Work Friend is always more interested in you than you are in them, which is literally impossible because you’re his work friend too. If The Work Friend texts you on a Friday night, you “forget” to respond and make up an excuse Monday morning when he insists on talking about how you spent your Friday night. Unless of course The Work Friend is a guy above you in the company and can help you get a promotion, then you answer that text.
At least you’ve got a choice of which annoying coworkers you want to become The Work Friend. In this scenario, The In-Law came out of the same vagina as your girlfriend/wife, so like it or not, you’ll be associating with this person for the duration of your relationship/marriage. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you get lucky and The In-Law is completely normal. Or sometimes he’s Zach Galifinakis from The Hangover, except not on purpose. And why does he HAVE to be one of your groomsmen? Who started that rule?
The Overhaul has been a complete trainwreck for the entirety of your friendship, until one day something happened that changed him in a very profound, very annoying way. Whether it was a near-fatal car crash, the birth of a kid, recovery from a drug problem, or not-literally finding Jesus, The Overhaul now spends his days sharing biblical quotes on social media and telling you that your jokes are insensitive. It’s kind of a drag hanging out with him these days, but you feel like a dick ignoring him because of whatever it is he went through. Basically what I’m trying to say is that at some point in your 20’s, at least one of your friends will fuck up his life somehow.
The Big Shot
The Big Shot landed a job in some PR firm right out of college and Instagrams pictures of company events with B-list celebrities. You can still hang out with him, but he has to see if he can get you in first. He can’t make it to your bachelor party because he’s got a work thing that weekend, but he’ll be sure to hit you up when he’s back on the East Coast because he’ll need a place to crash. The Big Shot is the exact opposite of The Reminiscer… to him, the first 23 years you knew him don’t even exist.
Yep, that’s two Hangover references and this isn’t even 2009. The Wolfpack is your group of 2-3 best friends who will be your best friends until you or they die. You play golf together. You get shitfaced every weekend together. You go on riverboat gambling trips and make your own beef jerky. You’ll hang with the Roommate on Friday night, but only if the members of The Wolfpack aren’t around. Simply put, after all the bullshit that goes on in the first 20+ years of your life, these are the dudes that are left over.
Jimmy T is a regular columnist for BroBible. He runs the blog Jimmy’s Very Unusual.