On May 16, Nebraska’s oldest man turned 110-years-old, and he says the secret to his longevity is beer. Every day at 3 p.m., Mark Behrends drinks one beer.
“He always told everybody the reason he has lived so long is drinking one can of beer, every day at 3 p.m.,” said his daughter Lois Bassinger told Omaha.com. “He always joked that that was his medicine since he takes very little medicine.”
Now exactly what kind of medicine is that pray tell? “Whatever kind was around,” he said, but his preference leans toward Miller brands.
Behrends is the third-oldest living man in the United States. He lived independently until he was 106, then he moved to the Ambassador Health facility.
“He was able to renew his driver’s license for five years when he was 106,” Bassinger said. “He drove a little after that, but we thought it would be best if he quit. His reaction time wasn’t quite as quick. His license is still good, though.”
The reason that I’m writing about this 110-year-old geezer and the reason that you’re reading this article is NOT because you care about Mr. Behrends. Now I’m sure he’s an fine gentleman and all, but you honestly don’t give a shit about him. We use his miraculous life as justification for us to do something we want to do, drink every single day of our pathetic lives.
For instance, if the headline said, “110-Year-Old Man Says The Secret To Long Life Is Drinking A Smoothie Of Brussels Sprouts, Slugs And Guinea Pig Urine Every Day,” I doubt you would click because you don’t want to drink Brussels sprout, slug and guinea pig smoothies for the rest of your life. Not to mention the horrible logistics of extracting enough guinea pig piss for a smoothie every single day.
But a guy drinking a beer every single day? Now this is the fucking Goose Island Beer fountain of youth that I’ve been in search of for all of my days. We like to conveniently read news that we can transform into our things we want to hear.
For instance, based on this data, I’ll tell myself that if I drink two beers a day, then I’ll live til at least 220! And if I drink THREE beers a day, then I’ll live til at least 360-years-old! See, it’s all in your selective observation and reasoning.