Using the word, ‘encountered,’ in the title was merely an artistic choice-what I’m really trying to say is: This list is going to illustrate the various girls you undoubtedly hooked up with and or dated in the year 2015. In the event you haven’t had sex or dated any female this year, my sincerest hope is that you’re either gay or a priest. However, if you’re just lonely—it gets better (Don’t mock me for being corny, Christmas is coming up motherfuckers, have a little heart).
I know there’s still some time left this year, and don’t you worry, I’ll be sure to cover the homestretch by the time we hit number 15.
The Girl You Met Online
Let’s be real: I doubt you met her on Match.com or E-harmony. You were scrolling 47 weeks back on her Instagram and said, “Fuck it, I’m going for it!” So what if you had to type with one-eye-closed because you just mainlined Fireball on a Thursday night while your current girlfriend was forcing you to watch something Shonda Rhimes came up with—I bet in that moment you wished you could fucking get away with murder. Instagram relationships rarely last, but I’m sure you valued it while it did—or until you found your next conquest on Twitter.
The Girl You Met at a Bar
This is standard (especially if you live in Murray Hill and still wear boxers with your alma mater’s logo on them)-basically you were at a bar during happy hour, had one too many, started chatting up a girl suave as hell-or maybe you were just spitting gin and tonic in your face-you don’t fucking know. One of two things happened-you may have hooked up with her that night and never talked to her again OR she became your consistent booty-call over the course of the next few months. Maybe her real name was saved in your phone, or maybe you’re an uber-douche (uber, meaning HUGE, not the car service) and you saved her under *insert bar name-girl.*
The Girl You Met at Work
You shouldn’t dip your pen in company ink, but guess what-you dippity-dipped it, dip-shit. Hope ya didn’t get fired for sexual harassment.
The Girl Back at Home
Thanksgiving Eve was just last week. How was Amanda from 10th grade? How was Stacey from 4th period English who used to have a weight problem and chin acne? How was Lindsey who’s been smoking hot since 8th grade—oh wait, she STILL didn’t give you the time-of-day, bummer, Bro.
The “I’m Going to Settle down with Her” Girl
It happens every so often. You’ll sit down and start evaluating your life choices. A tidal wave of panic washes over you. You start hearing your Mother in the back of your head, “Why don’t you settle down and meet a nice girl, Johnny? I want to be alive for my grandkids.” Of course, you’re a dude, you don’t have the wherewithal to figure out exactly what you’re looking for in a woman, so chances are you settled down with the wrong one, dated her for a few months, and eventually told your mom to fuck off because you wear a tie to work and that was your only goal by 25-years-old.
The “I Really Should Have Settled Down With Her” Girl
Again, because you’re a dude, you don’t know what you want, so you ended up dating this kick-ass girl who is the epitome of everything that is right with women, and you completely ruined it. Maybe you forgot to feed her dog while she was away on vacation, or you sexted her little sister by accident-I don’t know-something like that. Don’t worry-you’ll never find someone like her again. Just kidding, plenty of fish in the sea-but none like her.
The Girl Your Mother Set You Up With
I’m sorry-I hope she was cool. Chances are she wasn’t. Again, I’m sorry. Maybe tell your mom you’re gay-she may cry (if she’s an asshole) but at least the matchmaking will stop.
The “I’m Not Over My Ex” Girl
I’ve apologized a few times in this article-but it was all dripping with sarcasm-this time however, I really am sorry. Women who aren’t ready to date again-SHOULDN’T DATE. Don’t feed me the bullshit line that “getting back out there” is the best thing to do. It isn’t. Fully mourn the loss of your shitty relationship before you subject some innocent dude to buying you a nice dinner and fucking mojito while you constantly compare him to Daniel, or John, or Craig, or whoever the hell you dated for a minute of your life. That one was for the bros, sorry ladies, had to be done.
The “I’m Voting for Trump” Girl
LOL…. LOL… LOL
The Vegan Girl
I don’t really have anything negative to say about Vegans. Do you Boo-Boo. I just know its 2015 and 1 in every 4 people is a Vegan-or is that the herpes statistics? I don’t know. Chances are you’ve encountered one this year (honorable mentions: Gluten Free Girl, Vegetarian Girl, and Cross Fit Girl)
The Addicted to Snap Chat Girl
The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem and that problem is 300 seconds long and completely and utterly-uninteresting.
The “I Only Date Guys With Man Buns” Girl
Perhaps you dated this girl because you have a man ban, or perhaps this girl broke your heart because you don’t have a man bun. I don’t care either way.
The Drunken New Year’s Eve Girl
You have yet to meet this one, but we all know you will. My hope for you is that she’s awesome, and maybe you’ll make it last into the New Year (who am I kidding? Enjoy being single until 2017)