4 New Year’s Resolutions That We’ll Definitely Break

Dieting: The hilariously inevitable, excuse-heavy 2014 that this resolution leads to is predictably tragic and predictably amusing. These types will stock up on kale, quinoa, and bean sprouts, like they’re throwing a weird, all-natural apocalypse party, but unsurprisingly justify eating very little of it. New Year’s Day they’ll rationalize eating an entire bag of Tostitos and a vat of spinach artichoke dip because, well, there’s college football on and then repeat said chain of fattening logic three days later when the NFL playoffs start. Validation of such gluttony will begin with actual events centered around gorging before quickly spiraling into them dubbing nearly every day a cheat day because “Tuesdays, you know?” These types go through this charade every year and they’ll be back to coping through eating mayonnaise sandwiches on the toilet during their work breaks before February gets here.

Reading: Years of entertainment news and YouTube videos of piñata disasters have effectively destroyed this kind of person’s attention span. From time to time these people heard about this exotic notion of reading books for pleasure and part of them has remained skeptical. However, motivated by a desire to appear smarter to their friends, these folks will venture to the bookstore, bewildered and overwhelmed, before returning with a few paperbacks of the non-picture or comic variety. However, upon slogging through the first ten pages, they’ll realize they’re missing some awesomely entertaining television and settle for scattering the books around their house to fulfill the illusion that they’re a much deeper person than their penchant for reality TV and celebrity dance programming would lead one to believe.

Exercising: The desire to get in shape is present, but so is their awful, shitty body that they’re embarrassed to be seen at the gym with. Through the first couple jogs or Just Dance sessions these robust resolution makers will have hope and feel like they’ll be able achieve results through sticking to a regiment. Soon, though, any optimism will subside into a pool of disappointing realities upon realizing that they’ve been subjecting themselves to immense physical aching only to still look like the same pasty sack of gross. Truthfully, instead of resolving to exercise, these types should simply pledge to just be content with how they already look; this way no physical effort needs to be expended and they can free up more time to nap.

Following World Events: Recalling that they voted based solely on silliest name in the last election and inadvertently helped get a criminal elected to public office, this out-of-touch crowd vowed to keep up with current events. Their iTunes will soon be stocked with podcasts from NPR, CNN, and The Economist and they’ll change their Internet homepage to The Wall Street Journal, as they unsuccessfully try to convince themselves that they enjoy consuming news more than signing along to “Timber” and reading celebrity gossip. A week or so will pass and their new habit will seem like a ton of work for relatively little payoff and soon they’ll be back to only clicking through on links about courageous cats, Miley Cyrus, or adorable puppies wearing sweaters.

Happy New Year’s, everyone, and remember, in the immortal words of Homer Simpson, trying is the first step towards failure.

Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan whose articles appear on BroBible most Thursdays. Look for his updates at www.justingawel.com or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.