We spend a lot of time in our lives learning who we can trust. Whether it’s the mechanic, your significant other, or a mall Santa, you’ve got to build up a trust with people. To make things easier for you I’ve given you a list of people you should never trust in life.
1. People who scroll through pictures on your phone after showing them one specific picture
Here’s the scenario. You took a cool picture of the Christmas tree you put up last weekend, and you want to show someone how glorious it looks. You pull up the picture on your phone and hand it over to them to check it out. Then you see their finger going up to the screen. Why is this curious cuticle monster going to the screen? It’s already lit up on the screen. I made sure of it. “Oh that’s really pretty,” they say as they try to camouflage their time with the phone. “Yeah it’s pretty great huh?” you say as you nervously start reaching your hand out for your phone back. Shit! Do I have anything on there I wouldn’t want them to see? Oh no. Are those pictures of Megan’s boobs still on there? Why didn’t I keep holding on to the phone? Then trouble starts, “Do you have any more?” they ask pretending to be interested in seeing more tree pictures. “Nope that’s it,” you say as you start nervously sweating. Play it cool. Don’t sound insane. Then they do it. It’s the cardinal sin of looking at pictures on people’s phones. They swipe left like a bad profile on Tinder. Never trust this person.
2. People who drink decaffeinated coffee
This self-energized monster is the reason that your workplace will have an almost completely full pot of decaf right next to two empty pots of what was once filled with regular. What are the benefits of drinking decaf? The only thing decaffeinated coffee gives you is bad breath, a higher chance of burning your tongue, and people asking you, “Are you afraid you won’t be able to sleep 15 hours from now?” Drinking decaffeinated coffee is like drinking O’Doul’s at a free kegger. Actually it’s worse; because you’re never risking a DUI on your way home when you’re drinking coffee.
3. Anyone who consistently posts more than 1 post a day on Facebook
This is a very conservative estimate. Four posts a week is pushing it honestly. If you want to frequently post mundane things a day on the internet go for it, but they’ve already invented a place for that. It’s called Twitter. Side note: There are people that literally tweet, “I’m so bored.” Showing someone from 100 years ago that tweet would be the quickest way to explain to them what people are like today; bored with access to the internet.
Twitter tangent aside, the sad truth is that for the most part, our lives are not that interesting. I don’t need to know that you worked out at a place where people work out at, and I definitely don’t need to know how you “Live Laugh Loved” your way through Wednesday. Most people live boring lives. There’s a saying that says, “Strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet.” In reality, most strangers are just boring people you’ve managed to avoid so far. Think about the last time you were forced to talk to someone on an airplane. Was that person interesting? No. This brings me to my next point.
4. People who fly with emotional support pets
More and more frequently, people have been flying with their emotional support pets (usually a dog or a cat) as long as they have the proper documents. I want to be clear that this is not for people with disabilities. This is for people who need emotional support. Don’t we all need emotional support? This is a new trend that is popularized by insane narcissists who feel entitled to sit next to their animals while crammed into a metal tube in the sky with 130 strangers. This is relatively new which means that it didn’t exist a few years ago. This also means that it’s not a thing that people actually need.
The delusional narcissist mountain peaked when a few days ago a woman was removed from an airplane when her ‘emotional support’ pig took a pig dump on the plane within minutes of boarding. It then proceeded to squeal loudly like a pig disrupting other passengers. The woman and her pig were asked to move to the front of the plane and eventually got off before the plane departed. In summary, a pig was allowed to board an airplane and was then immediately kicked off for being a pig on an airplane. This is the world we live in.
Don’t trust these people.
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