7 Sentences You Definitely Won’t Overhear at College This Year

The internet is full of articles offering college students advice, but I’m here to help you pick up on things you shouldn’t be hearing in college this year, because if your friends are saying these things, you’re at the wrong school.

1. “Move in weekend was lame”

Move in weekend is only lame if you make it lame. This applies to every person in college. If you’re a freshman, you’re most likely living on your own for the first time in your life. You no longer have to figure out which friend’s parents’ basement you can drink at, and you’ll have members of the opposite sex right across the hall from you. If you lived near campus during the summer, then you’re in for some refreshing new faces. Move in weekend is like a gold rush from the 1800s, only it’s not bringing in old prospectors, it’s bringing in young co-eds.

2. “I drank just the right amount of alcohol last night”

College is full of many “I’m never drinking again” mornings, but this one will primarily apply to your first semester of freshman year, and your first month or two after you turn 21. You’ll make a few mistakes your freshman year, like drinking too much vodka the night before that dreadful 8 a.m. class. Eventually, you’ll learn to pick your battles between school and partying, and if you’re a pro like me you’ll perfect it.

For example: After studying for a bit, I once went to a drown night and consumed a copious amount of alcohol. For most of you who don’t know, drown night was a Wednesday night bar special that featured all you could drink taps and well mixers for five hours straight.  The best part was that it only cost ten dollars. Bars in South Dakota play by their own rules. Anyway, I woke up to take the test at 9 a.m., only to later find out that the test was graded on a curve.  I set the curve. 100% college.

3. “There are too many good looking girls at this party.”

In college you will attend a lot of parties with far more Bros present than women. It’s important to keep a gender balance early on, or soon you’ll have 20 Bros and the three girls who were thinking of coming to the party will probably bail. You may get lucky enough to find yourself at a party with a plethora of banging bods, but can there ever really be such a thing as too many good looking girls at a party?

4. “These dorms are pretty roomy”

The dorms are great for meeting new people, making memories, and people that love doors.  However, dorm rooms have a very finite amount of space. One way you can put a positive spin on this is the fact that having only three people in your dorm room makes it appear as if you’re hosting a huge party.

5. “I hope that old guy is in my group project”

At some point in your college career you’re going to come across someone in one of your classes that is taking a second stab at post-secondary education. Contrary to local news’ features, not every older person that goes back to school later in their years is a hero.  Some of them just failed at college previously when tuition was 10 times less expensive than it is now.

Now obviously there are some exceptions, but I had a guy in my desktop publishing class that didn’t know the basics of Microsoft Word. Can you imagine trying to teach a guy how to use Photoshop when he couldn’t grasp the concept of click on file and then open? Don’t get me wrong. Group projects are awful in general. It’s impossible to find a good time to meet, and there’s always one person not pulling their weight. I encountered a human being so worthless that during a meeting I literally asked him how he existed in day-to-day life. He just shrugged nonchalantly.

6. “Halloween was so boring”

If you hear someone say that Halloween was boring any year in college, then you’re talking to someone who did something wrong. Because, for a great time, all you have to do is find a way to be involved in the three Cs: costumes, cocktails, and cleavage. Also a bonus, Halloween falls on a Friday this year, which is like a gift from the cleavage gods. Halloween in college is like Christmas as a kid, but instead of wanting to rip off the wrapping paper to get to the presents, you’re just happy to marvel at the way the presents are wrapped.

7. “These bars never have specials during the week”

I touched on this earlier, but you will never find drink specials out of college that come close to the bar specials found in college town bars. Happy hours suck. No one gets off work at 4pm. However, college bars are a utopia for poor binge drinkers that don’t have to wake up early during the week, which make them perfect for college students and/or homeless people. Also, in college town bars, alliteration reigns supreme. Margarita Mondays, Tequila Tuesdays, Wasted Wednesdays, Thirsty Thursdays. It’s all deadly.

So whether you’re just starting college, still in college, or reflecting on the college days, I hope you are left with fond memories of your college years. If you find yourself hearing these phrases frequently, then you may want to check with someone to make sure you’re indeed at college.

[Image via Shutterstock]