Oh Fuck. We Might Be In Store For Another Death Storm This Week

This winter has been… something else. … Alright, fuck it. That’s too nice of phrasing for this winter. This winter has been as agonizing as watching your mother be burned at the stake, except whereas that ordeal would be over in approximately an hour (give or take whether you lingered around to see the corpse removed), this winter has been five months of unceasing physical and emotional pain.

It’s been so fucking cold. And there’s been so much snow. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to not have to get dressed before I go to bed. I’m not joking. I sleep in thermal underwear AND sweatpants. And then blankets. Pounds and pound of delicious blankets.

But now, NOW, if reports are to believed (and admittedly, they are sketchy because the link I’m basing this post off of was shared on Facebook by one of those guys you knew in high school who pretended to be into hard drugs, but was actually scared of them), a mega-death murder storm is on the way, as big as the one in March of 1993, which killed 16 billion people and left all of America—even southern Arizona—under 90 inches of snow. No really, here’s Wikipedia (TONS of solid sourcing in this article):

(First off, this entry is titled: 1993 Storm of the Century, which means that pretty much all the storms of the century had already happened and this one won. This wasn’t like calling a storm in 1900 the storm of the century, although the people of Galveston were pretty spot-on with that descriptor.)

It [was] unique for its intensity, massive size and wide-reaching effect. At its height, the storm stretched from Canada towards Central America, but its main impact was on the Eastern United States and Cuba… Areas as far south as central Alabama and Georgia received 6 to 8 inches (15 to 20 cm) of snow and areas such as Birmingham, Alabama, received up to 12 inches (30 cm) with …with hurricane-force winds.

Basically, it was a mother-fucking winter hurricane. Like something that will be in the next season of Game of Thrones. A storm which tore a swath of destruction across the entire Northern Hemisphere.

And now, according to the blog The Weather Space (which is the one my loser high school Facebook acquaintance shared), it’s back.

Perhaps now or even this weekend, sites across the world that forecast weather will be talking about the potential nor’easter for next week. A famous model called the EURO has been quite consistent in showing this.

Ready for some unnecessary weather jargon? Sure you are. You’ve made it this far.

For a pattern like March 1993 to happen you need a rare circumstance where a surface low develops around the TN/AL border and moves northeast from there up through the Mid-Atlantic.

That COULD happen, although the forecaster closes his blog post thinking it won’t. But I already knows he’s wrong. Because Summer Genocide 2K14 wants to deliver one final blow and this, this will be it.

Get ready to die.

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