Hangovers are awful but hangovers at work are next-level awful. It’s one thing to still be drunk and look like a transient at Sunday mass with Mom and Dad but to feel like death warmed over and have to sit in a desk for eight hours and do work — that’s fucking torture.
It’s very much like the BALLS OUT BONKERS AND UNCENSORED new trailer for the upcoming season of Workaholics on Comedy Central. The entire staff of TelAmeriCorp thinks they’re living in a Mad Max-style world with gun fights, naked hookers, drugs and other assorted debauchery when actually…well none of that shit happens for real. When you’re hungover on the job, you’re sometimes still so drunk, YOU SWEAR you’re doing an awesome job and have everyone fooled. Or you think you’re still at the bar drinking. You’re not. You’ve been asleep at your desk for four hours.
Inspired by that insane uncensored Workaholics trailer, I put together a few of my favorite hungover at work stories that were told to me by friends, family or that I just randomly found around the web. All of the people wanted to remain anonymous. Probably because they’re still fucking drunk and hungover or plan on doing it again very soon.
Basic Training
“It was July and I was 18, in college, and my friend just got back from Marine Basic training. So he bought a bottle of wild turkey to celebrate.
Being young and stupid, I drank far too much of it. I was working in the kitchen of a resort and had to be at work at 7:30 AM to serve breakfast. I was hung over, stunk of whiskey and stuck working a hot griddle in the middle of the summer cooking, of all things, scrambled eggs.
The smell of the eggs and butter and the heat coming off the grill made me nearly pass out and puke all over the place. Being both pissed at me, and laughing at me, my boss told me to go home. So I did. But not before puking all over the side of the road.”
The American Shit Exchange
“One morning, when I worked at the American Stock Exchange, I was so hungover that I had to sneak to the bathroom all day to secretly puke. At some point in the afternoon, at a co-worker’s urging, I went to the exchange doctor to see if there was anything she could give me for the nausea.
She gave me a suppository.
I’m not sure if it worked but I definitely tried it. That is the one and only time I’ve put anything up my ass.”
The Klondike Man
“Ten years or so ago I worked at a ski resort. We had this guy named Tom. Tom was a bit of a Dust Buster (he’d snort anything that was put in front of him). Tom used to really like Klonopin, to the point that we would refer to him as the Klondike Man when he was under the influence of this particular pharmaceutical.
Klondike Man worked in the kitchen at a nice restaurant. His routine was to get off work, and begin drinking his shift drinks at the bar connected to his place of employment.Klondike Man had got his hands on some Klonopins and started his evening early. This is where poor old Tommy doesn’t remember anything more. He was lucky to have his deer ol’ drinking buddy with him to explain how he lost his job.
The Klondike Man started acting a bit out of hand so the bartender cut him off (it is around 6 pm, dinner hour). Klondike Man’s drinking buddy thinks this isn’t right, and they need to move on to a more “getting wasted” friendly venue. The Klondike Man is having none of this. The Klondike man proceeds to berate the bartender until he just bluntly states “leave now.” The Klondike Man believes he has been disrespected to such an extent that he is going to stand on his stool and urinate on the bar.
His drinking buddy, and pretty much everyone else in the bar, stares in horror as Klondike man relieves himself. The Klondike Man states as he finishes the he is indeed “Rock and Roll Bitch!” The Klondike Man then looks at his buddy and says “Lets go, this place is busted.” The Klondike man then proceeds to put on one hell of a show at a few various other venues all of which they were kicked out of. They ended up back at Klondike Man’s trailer which is provided to him by his employer.
Klondike Man awakes bright and early to the Head Chef standing over him and telling him to pack his shit and GTFO you have one hour before the cops are called. Poor Klondike Man has no recollection of the events that led to this action, and the rest of his day is spent doing something similar while a bit less employed and bit more homeless, trying to reconstruct his Klondike Man puzzle.”
Sisters
“Right before my annual review, I went out to lunch with my sister. I didn’t tell her that I had a review and asked her to order me an iced tea. Well she asked the bartender to make me a Long Island Iced Tea and to make sure I didn’t taste the alcohol. So when I went back, I just sat there and merrily drank my slightly different tasting tea. I kid you not, it didn’t taste like it had alcohol. I started feeling it after slurping down more than half (like any good ex sorority girl does)…
She ordered me another one, and after it came and I drank more I told my sister “I feel great! I have my annual review today and I feel so reeeeelaxxxedddd.”
She said “WHAT!” and told me what she did. At that point the adrenaline, fear, and alcohol all mixed in for an unholy cluster of super drunkenness and I had like a half hour to sober up. We ran out of the restaurant and tried dranking a shit load of water. It didn’t work and now I had to pee. We found a New York Sports Club and the manager took pity upon my situation and let me sit in the steam room for about 20 minutes. The manager convinced me to drink some ungodly drink from the energy bar and then I was super drunk and super wired!
Time was up. I said “Whelp, time to go get fired.” I said goodbye to my nice corner office, went to the bathroom and bathed in Scope and went to my review.
My boss immediately noticed something was off as asked if I was alright. I had a ton of drunk honesty in me and told told her that I was drunk off my ass and that my sister played a prank on me and ordered me Long Island Iced Teas. I said I’d be glad to do the review but I’m was sure I wouldn’t remember much nor have a filter.
There was about five minutes of dead silence until she looked at me and laughed her ass off. We rescheduled and I eventually got a promotion and a raise. I think she appreciated my honesty.”
Welcome Back!
“One of my managers had a Klonopin prescription. He would end up taking his whole months supply in the first week he got it. He would take two, then ten minutes later he would forget that he had taken it. It got really bad at a one point. He came into work one day and got sent home because he wasn’t doing his job right, couldn’t remember anything, and then he ended up coming back three times in the same day, thinking he had never started the shift, and that he was going to work to open the store again.”
On A Mission
“Drinking blackout et cetera… wake up on a couch in dorm lobby without my glasses, keys, bra, shoes, or phone. Mind you, I graduated from college two years before this, have never lived in this dorm, and have no particular friends in this dorm. BUT I have to get to work in 4 hours so now I’m on a MISSION.
I have no recollection of what happened and can’t see farther than about 3 inches in front of me, but start looking for all this shit, and can’t find any of it. Decide that my car must be somewhere outside and maybe it’s in the car, except that I have to be sure I don’t want to get back into the dorm because they won’t let me back in because I’m not a student. So I quintuple check everywhere, fashion some “shoes” out of duct tape and plastic, and head outside.
Car is mercifully right outside, and all my shit is indeed on the driver seat, and the car is of course locked. Instead of trying to get the car opened, it seemed judicious for some reason to just go home and get another car? Idk why that seemed most logical, I was hungover.
So I walked half a mile to the train, rode the train to my home stop wearing sweaty gross clothes, holding my DD tits up, and my makeshift shoes. Problem then is that the train lets out about 3 mi from my house, so I walked that. Decided to stop at White Castle on the way and I am eating sliders as I bum-lookingly walk along the side of the road. Got honked at a lot, and duct tape shoes don’t protect from fucking pebbles.
When I finally got home and rang the doorbell, my grandmother came to the door and started sobbing because I looked ridiculous and she’s crazy. BUT I borrowed her car and an extra set of my car keys, and got to work on time! And there was even time for a shower.
Hard Hat Area
“Went out got piss drunk, stayed out until 5 something. Started work at 6:30 so I figured I might as well just go right to work. I worked at a construction site and helped myself to our changing room. I fell asleep on the floor. The boss walked in at 6:20, swung the door to the changing room open, door hit me on the head and I started bleeding. I screamed in pain, fell into the fetal position and threw up on the floor.”
Creatures
“Probably not the worst, but it ranks up there. I worked hotel maintenance and show up early, hungover, and wanting to shoot myself in the face. For whatever fucking random reason they wanted me to go up and clean out all of the outside light fixtures. I had never been asked to do this and I’m terrified of ladders. They had to pick this day? There were about 75 I had to get to and each one had four screws. No big deal, unless you’re me, and absolutely terrified of ladders.
I get through about 5 or 6 but my hands won’t stop shaking. Next one I take it.. spider nest! Hundreds of these fucking things scatter (including down my arm). I panicked, jumped off the ladder, and went home.
So basically while dealing with a horrible hangover I was forced to use the only piece of equipment that gives me nightmares. Then let’s throw in my next favorite thing, a million baby spiders running down my arm.
I did come back later, but at that moment my brain couldn’t take it.”
New Year’s Resolution
“I had work on New Year’s Day at 5am and I vomited the whole way there. I threw up before I got on the train, again as I got off, once around the side of the building and then in the employees toilets. When I started my shift I threw up in a bin full of food scraps. I’m pretty sure I had minor alcohol poisoning.”
Extra Toppings
“I used to work at a Potbelly’s sandwich shop. One day when I was hungover, I was so out of it, that I left my mouth hanging open and drooled into a customer’s sandwich. They didn’t notice.”
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