Spoiler — at graduation, the dean of your fine institution doesn’t hand you an actual diploma. That waste of paper arrives in the mail months later with free coupons and brown bag porn your old man claims are parts for his modeling collection. Why do all your boats look like dongs, dad?
Anyway, the dean hands you a blank sheet of paper that kind of says “Congrats! You survived! We thought you’d be dead by Fall break in your first year!” Even though it’s a fake, that piece of office copier paper shows you made it through the four (possibly more because you milked it) years and are now an actual adult. Even if you don’t feel like an adult. Because you’re not going to feel like an adult. There’s nothing between the dean and your naked balls but a rented gown, how adult could you be?
You hope your life will be as EPIC AND INSANE as the Uncensored Trailer for the new season of WORKAHOLICS. You swore that you would be able to party like that with new found freedom and money but you are still never going to be able to do half the shit they do in this trailer — even if you miraculously get a job after graduation. Your life will be nothing like that trailer. In fact, you’ll see more titties and ass in that trailer then you will after college. #truestory
After you leave school, everything changes — especially the way you party. Here are the ten biggest ways partying changes after you get your degree.
NO MORE PREGAMING
DURING COLLEGE: Going out to party in college involved several levels of, let’s call it “side partying.” Let’s say there’s a huge rager setting off at around 11pm. Nice. Well, you’re not going to sit around until then, right? So you call over some bros, pre-game with a power hour or a couple quick games of beer pong to get a nice buzz going before heading over to the party.
AFTER COLLEGE: Well first off, most of your friends are also too busy to sit around and drink before going out to drink so there isn’t really as much free time now that you’ve collected your diploma. Secondly, most parties after college require a mode of transportation that’s not always provided by the city so you can’t just get ripped and stumble over to the party spot. You need to stay sober to drive. If transportation is available you’re still not going to want to be all banged up before hand because your Uber driver might take you the long way if you’re already too smoked to speak clearly.
NO MORE ‘AFTER PARTY’
DURING COLLEGE: After the party cools, you get word of a few after spots you’re going to want to hit up. Maybe a dorm room party that’s managed to fall off the rails or an off campus party at a different house that’s still bumping. Many nights, the after party is way better than the actual party. This could go all night!
AFTER COLLEGE: It’s rare to hit up an after party once you’re out of school. If it happens, it’s usually back at some dude’s house where everyone is sitting around watching Adult Swim, playing video games or bitching about not going home with a girl. The after parties after college rarely live up to the hype so it’s usually best to just call it a night and watch Adult Swim in your own bed.
YOU ONLY TAKE ONE SHOT INSTEAD OF ALL OF THEM
DURING COLLEGE: There’s a reason that LMFAO song was and still is so huge — it’s brilliant and true. The typical night at the bar involves many, many shots. So many shots it was easy to lose track. “What number are we on?” “Don’t remember, I lost count after, um, one!”
AFTER COLLEGE: The new theme song after college is just “A Shot” but that’s not as catchy. Try singing it. “A shot, shot, shot shot shot!” See? This is because “shot, shot, shot” will get you banged up and you’ve got to either drive home, or drive other people home, or a job in the morning or some other reason you can’t pass out on the filthy floor of a club.
YOU CAN COUNT HOW MUCH YOU DRANK & SPENT
DURING COLLEGE: How many mornings did you wake up hungover and admit “I’ve got no idea how much I drank last night”? Probably too many to count. You try to do the rough math, your head gets foggy, so you just say “a lot” and beg for someone to go and get you McDonald’s. In college, you never really had to keep track of your consumption or the amount of money you were spending (probably because the money belonged to mom and dad). You didn’t do math in courses that REQUIRED math, why the hell would you do party math?
AFTER COLLEGE: After going out, you could easily count how many drinks you consumed, and it’s usually on one hand. You also know exactly how much you spent because you’re broke from student loans and not having a real job so you’ve got to account for every dollar. “I had five beers, a dollar each, so that’s $15 total because I tipped the hot bartender $2 each time because I’m stupid.”
YOU HAVE A PREFERRED DRINK AND NOT ‘ANY’ DRINK
DURING COLLEGE: In school, your favorite drink was whatever was cheap, on special or free. You consumed cases of the worst pilsner ever canned in the name of cheapness. If a bar was offering $1 specials of the most disgusting mixed drinks ever poured into a glass, you ordered a hundred just in case they changed their minds and jacked the prices. “Does it get me drunk? Nice, I’ll have five!”
AFTER COLLEGE: After school, you grow up a little bit and realize “oh, there’s a way to actually enjoy drinking” instead of thinking “what will get me naked dancing on a table the quickest?” You’re taste changes, meaning, you actually acquire taste. You still a specific beer when going out or a specific type of hard alcohol when the occasion presents itself. The blue stuff in the martini glass is for the young bros.
YOU’RE AUTOMATICALLY CONSIDERED ‘OLD’
DURING COLLEGE: Remember being out at the bar and laughing about the guy who graduated two years ago and how he still hangs out at the same bar, hits on young chicks, and occasionally ends up back on campus wandering around a dorm at 4am. That dude was so pathetic.
AFTER COLLEGE: You’re that pathetic dude now if you even step foot in a college bar. The only reason you should be in the bar after graduation is it’s 1) alumni weekend or 2) you own the place. If it’s neither, find a new spot.
GETTING LAID IS MUCH, MUCH HARDER
DURING COLLEGE: In college, most of leg work when it came to hitting on chicks happened long before people got to the party or the bar. You ran game on a girl in class, in the dorms, at campus events, in the gym or every where else. The party or bar is where you sealed the deal. If she was down, you went back to either your place or her place, but both of those places was on the same campus.
AFTER COLLEGE: In a bar or party situation, you’ve got about ten minutes to seal the deal. You’ve got to approach, engage, get her interested and either make the move or move along. You’re usually dealing with a complete stranger and it’s a hell of a lot harder to get a girl to go back to apartment of a guy she just met then it was to say “hey, we live in the same dorm. Come see my aquarium.” Trust me, that aquarium line worked more times than it didn’t work.
YOU TALK ABOUT REAL LIFE WHILE PARTYING
DURING COLLEGE: The only thoughts that crossed your mind while partying in college were “how can I make this last forever?” and “was the room always rotating like this?” The rest of the world didn’t matter. Classes, exams, grades, your asshole roommate, that weird mole on your arm, none of it meant squat in the name of “let’s get funked up!”
AFTER COLLEGE: The real world is all you think about, talk about, and obsess over when you’re out drinking. Current events are the topic of conversation. Your asshole roommate is the topic of conversation. Your weird mole is now the topic of conversation because everyone asked to see it and are all now very concerned. The world doesn’t disappear when you’re partying now, problems only get intensified. And you’ve got a ton more time to think and discuss because you’ve given up on trying to get laid.
YOU’RE HAPPY WHEN IT’S LAST CALL
DURING COLLEGE: “BOOOOOO! BOOOOOO TO LAST CALL!! WE WANT TO DRINK!”
AFTER COLLEGE: “BOOOOOOO!” Meanwhile, in your head, “Yes! Last call! I want to get the hell out of here! Do you know how long we’ve been here? I’m broke, barely buzzed, and I’ve got pilates in the AM!”
GOING TO BED INVOLVES MORE THAN JUST PASSING OUT
DURING COLLEGE: Just stumble to the room that looks like yours and the bed that might be yours and TIMMMBERRRRRR. Fall face first onto it like a rotted tree that finally gave up. And those are just the nights you made it back to your room. You’ve passed out in places other than your bed more times than you ended up in your actual bed.
AFTER COLLEGE: I can’t go to bed yet because I need to shower, figure out what I’m wearing tomorrow, chug some water so I don’t wake up feeling sick, feed the dog, make sure all the doors are locked, pack a lunch for tomorrow, solve a couple math problems, cure Cancer and trim that nose hair that’s been bugging me you night. You might not get into bed until 11pm. THIS IS GOING TO BE SUCH A LATE NIGHT!
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