Bagel Bites Now Has A Breakfast Version, For All Of Us Who Get Shitfaced In The Morning

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God, I was so sick of eating cereal with my Colt 45 in the morning. Finally there is an alternative that not only tastes better, but clogs your arteries in a quarter of the time!

Gone are the days of eating a “balanced” breakfast, now that delicious frozen snack has extended its brand into the morning.

Bagel Bites has released a line of breakfast bites that don’t make you feel shitty about eating pizza in the morning because it says “breakfast” on the box.

The bites come in five different flavors: Bacon, Egg, and Cheese; Sausage, Egg and Cheese; Bacon and Cheese; Bacon, Sausage and Cheese; and Diarrhea.

I’m equally as excited for the release of breakfast Bagel Bites as I am for the slew of ridiculous Bagel Bites commercials to follow.

The dude in this 1997 commercial sounds like he’s busting a nut throughout the entire thing. May have something to do with that MILF.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.