World’s Biggest Cock Knockers Break Into Beer Shop, Open 1,200 Beers, Leave Those Open Beers Untouched

The most infuriating thieves in the world broke into a beer store to open up 1,200 bottles of Koenig Pilsener, and then leave without drinking a single drop of beer. I’ve seen enough Oceans 11 to know that there’s a f*cking code of honor amongst thieves, and I’d like to believe that code of honor includes not leaving 1,200 completely full bottles of beer sitting there to go flat, that’s just a dick move. These cock knocking thieves deserve to have the piss beaten right out of them for letting so much beer go to waste.

I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no: they didn’t open up all 1,200 bottles of beer just to stick their tiny thieve penises into each and every one of the beer bottles, this is NOT a case of some twisted beer fetish. Investigators in Muelheim, Germany believe they’ve cracked the case of why 1,200 perfectly drinkable bottles of beer were opened and left out to be wasted.

NBC News reports:

Investigators were initially surprised to find that all of the opened bottles were of the same brand.
But they now believe the thieves were trying to win prizes offered through a brewery promotion.
The bottle caps had tokens printed on them — with some entitling the holder to tools and speakers.
Many of the caps weren’t winners and the thieves left bits of the metal strewn across the shop’s floor.
Marc Baron, a Koenig Brewery spokesman, said he found it “quite incredible” the someone would go to all such lengths to steal bottle caps.
“We have no way to track where the bottle caps were sold or in this case stolen, but we will now watch for someone who sends in an unusually high number of caps,” he said.

Is it wrong that when I read this all I could think about is what would happen if the panhandlers in my neighborhood (lower Manhattan) were to read about this? If any of them realized that instead of walking block to block every single night, going through the trash in search of empty bottles, they could just break into places and steal the bottles and/or bottle caps…Could you imagine what sort of catastrophe we’d have on our hands here in NYC?!?!?

Those of us living in Manhattan are already living amidst a full-fledged homeless epidemic (levels of homelessness not seen since The Great Depression), which is both visible in the streets and on the news.

This is basically how I’m getting to work these days…


If any of them were to find out that they could just start breaking into places to snatch up those bottles, well I think we’d see a mass exodus out of New York City, a peregrination from the gentrified streets of Gotham on out to the suburbs where there’s nobody rummaging through your trash every f*cking night of the week. All of that transplant money driving the New York City economy would be gone overnight, and REAL NEW YORKERS would be left impoverished, wondering why they were ever b*tching about Starbucks in the first place…

So what I’m really trying to say here is this: don’t share this news and/or article with any of the homeless people living on the benches on my street. K, thx.

[NBC News]