Brendan Dassey’s Brother Made A Rap Song Called ‘They Didn’t Do It’ And He’s Guilty Of Murdering The Track

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that going into this, I was expecting the absolute worst. Like beyond the point of being so bad it’s funny to just being so bad you can’t help but feel bad. Kind of like if we played a game of paintball against Stevie Wonder. At first it would be hilarious but after a few close-range shots we’d be like “wait, wait, wait–he’s not moving.”

And given that I’ve seen more words in a fortune cookie than I’ve heard from the Dassey vocabulary, I didn’t have much hope for his half-brother Brad’s Christian rap skills–because a.) Christian rap is the music equivalent of a can of O’Doul’s and b.) you can’t really expect a fire track from someone who can’t find the camera.

But, must like Brendan surprising the fuck out of me after recalling the name of that book on the stand (Kiss the Girls), Brad dropped a supremely average rap that deserves its proper cap tip. Solid beat, solid lyrics, solid message. Good work, Brad.

P.S. Every artist knows that a fresh track needs a hype video prior to release date. That’s Christian Rap 101.

P.P.S. Honestly though, how surprising was it when Brendan Dassey recalled the name of the book that contained all the violent scenes he said he did. That smug lawyer fuck was “And what book is that, dumbass?” and Dassey was like “What is ‘Kiss the Girls’ for $300, Alex.”


Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.