Outsiders may find your choice depressing, but the anti-portable-booze agendas of Emilio Estevez, Ralph Macchio, or any dissenting friends or family shouldn’t sway you. Namely, it’s your choice, and the flask-carrying lifestyle’s a choice for freedom. It’s freedom from waiting to drink, freedom from caring about what other people think, and, finally, freedom from ever again being bored and sober. You’re taking a stand when you decide to carry a flask. It’s a move towards independence and away from a reliance on bars, parties, and inconvenient convenience stores to get sociably tipsy, comfortably giggly, and flush with a newfound confidence to loudly verbalize what everyone’s already murmuring about that one bitchy, snaggletoothed girl’s double chin and weird eye.
Don’t listen to the skeptics; there’s nothing wrong with moving beyond your unfortunately-sober daily routine. Perhaps you desire more drunken confidence around school or the office. Perchance you’re trying to fit in with the cool, booze-totting homeless crowd on your bus route. Or, maybe, you’re just adding a fun wrinkle to what’s become a stagnant, predictable, freelance driving job with Uber. Really, there are far too many benefits to the flask-carrying lifestyle to list here; however, these are the major ones the subculture’s inevitable late-night infomercial will undoubtedly hit.
#1—People Will Stop Asking You for Favors: Once news of your lifestyle choice gets around, you’ll see the requests for trivial bullshittery take a sharp decline. Gloriously, your permanent, stay-at-home-mom-esque buzz will be an effective deterrent against such inconveniences. People won’t call you for rides. No longer will anyone put you in charge of watching his or her newborn baby. And gone will be the days of being listed as anyone’s emergency contact. Embrace the lack of responsibility; it’ll open up your schedule for new hobbies, namely hobbies centered around alcoholism.
#2—You’re Never Unable to Pregame Since You’re Always Pregaming: Doesn’t matter the event, with the flask in hand you’re always in the midst of a perpetual pre-drink sesh. Traffic, group-project meetings, parent-teacher conferences, nothing will prevent you up from indulging in your fun juice. It’s a satisfying feeling to effortlessly turn the long line at the bank into your own personal happy hour. Plus, with the flask, you’re never impatiently waiting for the alcohol to arrive, trudging through awkward, clear-headed small talk, like you’re at the dentist or a funeral. Accept the flask-carrying standard of living and always be your own remedy for any irritatingly booze-less hiatuses.
#3—Bars Won’t Get Your Money: Given, this point’s been belabored before and calling it a life hack would imply a cleverness that’s notably absent. However, in any circumstance, bringing the portable liquor stash to the bar is always the smart play. Non-alcoholic mixers are almost always free when you claim you’re the designated driver and from there you can simply make your own drinks under the table, behind your jacket, or while you’re taking a dump. There’s no waiting. There’s no careless spending. There’s only you, living a life that’s both delightfully cheap and delightfully drunk. Plus, the silver lining is that a re-up is as easy as running to the nearest liquor store after lying to the bouncer about a cigarette break.
“Lean in” sounds too much like I’m trying too hard to be a cool dad, but I do implore you take the plunge and live the good, flask-carrying life. Remember, the heart knows what it wants.
Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan whose articles appear on BroBible most Thursdays. Look for more of his writing, his BroBible.com archive, and his updates at www.justingawel.com or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.