There are times I’m not proud to be an American. This country’s irrational combination of fierce partisanship yet seemingly indefatigable jingoism makes for an awkward combination. I don’t like it. But that’s neither here nor there right now, because today I am standing tall and proud and saying, “Thank fucking god we left the British Empire behind.”
Not only were their tax policies shockingly repressive for a global empire built upon trade, they were just kinda pompous dicks. “The sun never sets on the British empire, jolly tally hoo.”
Well, good for fucking you. Because I am here to tell you that us Americans have never drank our own pee and put our own pee on our faces, and EVEN if we did, which we didn’t, we certainly wouldn’t report upon it in one of our national newspapers.
But the British do and did. From the Telegraph:
Drinking your own wee (the technical term, I believe) is a health trend with a growing and extremely loyal band of followers. And a name: urophagia.
BRITISH PEOPLE CALL THE WEE PEE I AM ALREADY DEAD.
Martha Christy the author of seminal urine drinking work Your Own Perfect Medicine claims that the inexpensive nature of wee sipping is exactly why the health industry are telling us it’s actually a really bad idea. Christy thinks that, because there’s no profit in it for them, they don’t want us to realise how good urine can be.
YEA SURE OKAY THAT’S EXACTLY THE LOGICAL ANSWER TO EVERYTHING. DRINK YOUR OWN PEE. IT’LL WORK.
OR. RUB IT ON YOUR SKIN.
“It’s really good for sorting out spots. You just put some wee on a cotton pad and then press it against the spot for a bit. It dries it out. It works better than Sudocrem, or Aspirin.”
Also, the British call pimples spots. Which, sure, maybe. Fine. Actually, no, but whatever. Let’s get back to drinking it.
It’s not impossible that drinking urine might have some benefits.
You see, wee isn’t just a waste by-product of your body. Even though it’s 95 per cent water, the other five per cent is made up of nutrients, including minerals, proteins, vitamins and antibodies.
Urine is also known for being sterile. Aztecs used to use it to clean wounds, and Madonna famously claimed that urinating on her own feet while showering was the reason that she never got athlete’s foot.
PEEING ON YOUR FOOT IS NOT DRINKING YOUR OWN PEE DO YOU NOT SEE THE DIFFERENCE?
Alright, how much piss are we talking about and should we stick in our eyes and ears as well?
Wee drinking expert Martha Christy suggests drinking an undiluted cup of your first morning’s flow. Although she also suggests gargling with it, using it as eye drops (ouch?) and ear drops.
Janice Turner, meanwhile, wrote in the Times last week that her friend has been taking three drops in a cup of hot water each morning (presumably in the homeopathic method of dilution for increased strength.)
NO NO NO NO NO NO.
Here’s the only appropriate response to British people drinking their own pee.
[H/T Elite Daily]