How to Crush Happy Hour: A Bro’s Guide to Afterwork Drinks

by 5 years ago

Finally the moment arrives. You stop writing your response to your boss’s latest email, “Re: Urgent Matter Concerning Your Employment Status.” It can wait ‘till the morning. It’s time to crush happy hour.

When you set out to drink after work, you need a plan. You can’t lose your job; you have to show up to work in some state the next day. You also want to be awesome, obviously. So you can’t not drink.

There are rules here. This isn’t the weekend. To wit:

DO: Buy the first round

Buying the first round will mean you don’t have to buy any more rounds. Because you’ve bought the round when everyone remembers you loudly saying, “THIS ONE’S ON ME.” This will come in handy when you’re on the 15th round.

DON’T: Mix drinks

It’s tempting to follow up your first beer with a shot and then a glass of wine and, oh, they have a good martini here? I’ll take that too.

But mixing drinks only means you lose the ability to gauge your coworkers’ behavior. And you don’t want to be the guy shouting for tequila shots when everyone else is comfortably beer buzzed. Or maybe you do? What the hell do we know.

DO: Befriend coworkers for your own devious means

Have you ever exchanged head nods with the guys in IT—maybe a dap if you’re feeling frisky—but never had a reason to converse about anything substantial? This is the time to break down that barrier. Introduce yourself, offer to buy a drink, and figure out if you have a mutual boss who you can shittalk.

Then get into the good stuff: Tell your new compadre that, as drinking buddies, you know he has your back. Tell him the company filters on BroBible, Gmail, and RedTube have to go. He’ll hook you up.

DON’T: Hit on your boss—or if you are a boss, your assistant

You idiot.

DO: Hit on any other single girl

Within reason!

DO: Remember to eat dinner

Inevitably, someone will say, “Should we get apps? I feel like we should get apps.” Chips and artichoke dip and six mozzarella sticks will be split among 25 people. Somehow, this will cost you $30. The main takeaway here is to not forget to get a real dinner when you get home.

DO: Drink Water

You’re not in college anymore, champ. When 8 a.m. comes, you a.) have to wake up, and b.) will, undoubtedly, be hungover. The key to afterwork drinks is to not forget that alcohol dehydrates you. So throw in a glass of water or two, and when you get home drink four Gatorades and eat a loaf of bread. Continue as needed for the rest of your life. Jobs!

Or you watch Men at Work. Because Milo, Tyler, Neal, and Gibbs do happy hours right. Tune into Men at Work Wednesdays at 10/9c on TBS.

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