This Burger Has 10,500 Calories, 24 Oz In Patties, 12 Strips Of Bacon And I’d List More I Just Had A Heart Attack

I know I just look like a tall skinny white girl, but in reality I’m a tall skinny white girl who has the stomach capacity of an obese hippo. Looks can be deceiving folks. I avoid vegetables like the plague and down fried shit like Honey Boo Boo in a Chinese buffet, but at some point you realize that a line needs to be drawn somewhere. Can I go on the rest of my life eating Five Guys everyday for lunch? Sure, but I’ll probably also die by the time I’m 30. I haven’t managed to cut all the crap out of my diet, but if I’m ever on the verge of successfully going 5 days without eating fast food I’ll make sure to end that hot streak with the Nelson’s Column burger, a sandwich so full of shit that it makes Bill Cosby look like the Pope.


Because all the barbeque sauce on the burger makes it look like a leaky tampon, here’s what’s actually on the sandwich:

-Three 8 oz. burger patties
-5 giant onion rings
-BBQ sauce
-12 pieces of bacon
-6 slices of cheddar cheese
-Buns (duh)
-A giant blob of tomato

And because that’s clearly not enough food for all us fat gluttons, the meal also comes with a pound of French fries and some coleslaw. I don’t know how much coleslaw, because coleslaw becomes a moot point when you’ve just eaten 1.5 pounds of meat in one sitting. One time I ate 1.5 pounds of meat over a span of 12 hours. I gained 3 pounds and shit bricks for a whole week.

But if my tale of meat-poop-misery doesn’t do anything to scare you away from eating this monster of a meat pie, you’ll have an hour to finish your meal. As of now no one has finished the sandwich (duh), however I’m pretty sure there’s going to be at least one death from it because I can feel my arteries hardening into lead pipes just from looking at the damn thing.

[H/T Mirror, header image via Shutterstock]