The CDC Is Now Paying Dudes With Zika $50 Every Time They Pump Their Diseased Stumps For Science

When I was in college, I met a guy who used to sell his sperm for money when he was going through grad school. At the time, I thought “That’s pretty weird. Who would want this dude’s sperm? He looks like Sloth from The Goonies with the brains of Patrick Starr.” Then, as time went on and I steadily began to realize the allure of getting paid to do something that I was doing in my dorm room anyway. Namely, jerk off.

So I kind of get where the CDC’s marketing team is coming from on both fronts. For one, dudes naturally don’t mind getting paid to straddle their Slim Jim. And, in turn with that, dudes with Zika are definitely not getting laid right now. Dude’s got needs. May as well get paid for doing it yourself.

Via CNN:

“The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is collecting semen from hundreds of men in the United States in order to figure out how long the dreaded Zika virus lasts in the bodily fluid. The virus can be transmitted sexually, and it’s been known to linger in semen long after a man’s fever, rash and itchy eyes have gone away.

If a man has the virus in his semen and has sex with a woman who is pregnant or becomes pregnant, the baby could be born with devastating neurological birth defects. After about two months of recruiting, some 40 men who’ve had Zika have volunteered to donate their semen. The CDC hopes to bring in about 210 more.The men are asked to make about a dozen donations in their homes every other week for six months after their illness, and each time are given a $50 multi-use gift card. A courier picks up the donations, which are then delivered to the CDC’s labs in Fort Collins, Colorado.

“I’m happy to say patients really have been quite receptive about volunteering their specimens,” said Dr. Paul Mead, the senior epidemiologist at the CDC who is running the study. “They seem to understand the importance of the study.”So far, there have been more than a thousand cases of Zika in the United States, and that number is expected to grow.There have been 14 cases of sexual transmission of the virus, according to the CDC, although some experts think the actual number is higher.”

Like I said, Zika dudes got needs too. Sure, internet porn is free, but it doesn’t pay you. That’s the big difference here. These guys aren’t getting laid and aren’t getting paid. If they stockpile their money enough, they can take their future Zika-free baby mama on a wild weekend away. You can’t get a woman pregnant if you’ve previously had Zika and aren’t in Vegas. I read that in a book somewhere.