The most important tip I can give someone going into a first date is to split the check down the middle. Set that precedent. The second most important piece of advice I have is to never view holiday gifts as a one-off. In other words, gifts will always be compared to last year’s. If you got took her on a horse-and-buggy ride for Valentine’s day last year, you best buy her a stable of horses this time around or your dick will be touched less than a museum painting. Believe me, bro–my dick has been dustier than my running shoes.
The video featured above is a classic case of a classic chump who has set the bar so high, that his girl realistically believes that she can ride off in an $80,000 Audi because Kylie Jenner has one. Sure, she put her foot on the gas and booked it out of the lot, but this dude started the engine long ago. Should have split the check on date one, bro. But you played the short game and got prideful, and now you’re girl basically pickpocketed $80k from your wallet and all you can do is tuck your shriveled dick between your legs and swipe your credit card. Amateur. Can’t even look at you, man.
P.S. Remember all that relationship advice I gave you? I’ve been single for a year and spent two hours speed-swiping on Tinder last night with my hands down my pants. At least I didn’t get robbed.