This Club Opening In L.A. Where Judges Decide If You’re Hot/Rich Enough To Enter Will Make You Want To Punch A Child

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Before you begin reading this, make sure you are not in the presence of a baby. If you are, please remove yourself to avoid the sudden urge to punch that baby in the face. Because this shit is infuriating.

A dating website called BeautifulPeople.com is opening up an exclusive club that only allows in the rich and attractive, decided by a panel of judges at the door.

According to The Sun, managing director of the website, Greg Hodge, claims the club will open for people who are fed up with going to places where people aren’t as pretty as they are.

“We listen to our members and they are fed up of going out to expensive bars, hoping to meet similarly beautiful people, only to spend the night wishing that the lighting was lower.

“We are very excited about the opening of our flagship bar.

The bar, which will feature swing chairs, Swarovksi chandeliers, and many mirrors so attendees can jerk off to themselves, will also have a hair and make-up artist on site (free for members) so they can hide their real faces.

As far as the drinks served–is that baby still out of arms reach?–the bar will serve “beauty cocktails” containing ingredients such as aloe vera, coconut water, bee pollen, and avocado.

Wait did you just say BEE POLLEN?

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Yo, hold that baby upright because it gets worse.

Exceptions will be made if you look like a horses asshole but have money. Says Hodge:

“Wealth is a strong factor of perceived attractiveness – especially with women.

“We see this mirrored through the site’s rating system where men who exude wealth and success in their images, but who may not be that attractive, are often voted in.

“The way we see it, money can be attractive too, so on a discretionary basis we may make exceptions for certain high net-worth individuals.”

Out of town guests will also be able to take a discounted helicopter ride to a helipad close to the bar.

Public Service Annoucement: I’ll Venmo someone better looking than me $20 to go in there and upper deck the toilet. I’ll also pay someone in a wheelchair to try to get in and watch them squirm. Add 20 bucks to this if you get it on film. 20 more if you get in an upper deck the toilet. 20 more if you scratch the toilet idea and smear your shit on the face of the “mixologist.” Because if you call yourself a “mixologist,” you deserve it.

Check out some pictures of the place over at The Sun before it gets a drone strike.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.