Colonial Americans Drank Three Times As Much As We Do Now, So No Wonder This Country’s Going To Shit


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Whenever anything of import is being discussed and debated in this country, the wishes and desires of our Founding Fathers are invoked.

When the Supreme Court is deciding a case, when Congress is passing legislation, when the President is contemplating action, the conversation always reverts back to what Washington and Jefferson and Franklin would want. What did they have in mind when writing the Constitution?

Apparently, we’re missing the point, because the Founding Fathers sole desire was to get LIT.

“Fuck the debate on states’ rights and the authority of the executive,” Alexander Hamilton would say were he here today. “I need a drink.”

From The Atlantic:

Early America was also a much, much wetter place than it is now… Instead of binge-drinking in short bursts, Americans often imbibed all day long. “Right after the Constitution is ratified, you could see the alcoholic consumption starting to go up,” said [Bruce Bustard, the curator of a National Archives exhibit on American alcohol consumption]. Over the next four decades, Americans kept drinking steadily more, hitting a peak of 7.1 gallons of pure alcohol per person per year in 1830. By comparison, in 2013, Americans older than 14 each drank an average of 2.34 gallons of pure alcohol—an estimate which measures how much ethanol people consumed, regardless of how strong or weak their drinks were.

See. We shouldn’t be arguing. We shouldn’t be fighting. We should be drunk. Alone in our homes, content after a hard day’s work. That’s what the Ninth Amendment is really talking about:

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Tha right to get turnt as one pleases.

The next time someone invokes the wishes of the founders in an argument, hand them a beer and say “Fuck those dudes, they were alcoholics.”

Then get drunk yourself. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with this country. People are spending too much time caring about shit, and not enough time getting drunk by themselves.

[H/T Total Frat Move]

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