Confessions of a New York City Cyclist Bro


You know that asshole on a bike that nearly kills you as he zooms by while your walking through the park on a beautiful summer day? The guy wearing a skin tight body suit that looks like it was made through a collaborative effort by Swedish House Mafia and a high school wrestling coach?

That’s me.

Actually, I wish I could say that’s me. I’m the idiot that looks like that asshole when stopped but is being passed by the 10-year-old on a trike when actually moving.

This is the world of the Weekend Warrior.

The weekend warrior thinks he’s Lance Armstrong but in reality is probably closer to Lance Bass. I recently got into this strange cycling world and have yet to really fit in. I’m considered a poser amongst posers but I really don’t care. First of all, I despise pretty much all non essential physical activity. I don’t understand the recent triathlon/marathon craze that’s sweeping the country. What’s the point?  Sure, you may say I’m just jealous that I can’t run 15 miles after contracting a disease in the Hudson. But ehhh, I’m good.  In New York City, everyone thinks they are Mark Allen, one of the greatest triathletes ever.

Cycling is very much an elitist sport.  Those idiots you see peddling by have most likely spent thousands on that look. A road bike can easily run you ten thousand dollars. I could never justify spending that amount however I did drop a pretty penny on my peasant road bike. I also opted for a made in China Livestrong lycra outfit which has caused more chaffing than I would like due to shoddy materials (and  most likely is decreasing my sperm count with every mile I ride).  Also let me note that “clipping in” (…wearing special shoes that connect your feet to the pedals) is one of the scariest things ever, especially when riding in New York.  I pretty much risk my life every time I go for a ride clipped in.  It’s actually quite thrilling which is maybe why in a twisted way I enjoy the sport.

All that being said, I think bikers and pedestrians (not including tourists who are classified as tards for all intents and purposes) can all agree that the real enemy is…

The Pedicab and The Motorized Delivery Bike

The Pedicab is too slow and too large to be on the streets. It’s also looks like a huge ripoff. Meanwhile, the motorized delivery bike is a true menace to society. First of all, I feel like I’m in Groundhog Day every time one passes by me since the bike and rider are always THE EXACT SAME: Old Asian guy in a casual riding position with one leg up, possibly smoking a cigarette while wearing a neon vest driving down the wrong side of the street. It’s literally a clone army on a never ending mission to deliver General Tso’s chicken to the world. These guys are worse than Weekend Warriors because they will come within striking distance and not say a word whereas the WW will utter some expletive or give you a disgusted look as if he were your grandfather. Also part of me is jealous because I want one of those bikes but I’m pretty sure you need a triad connect to buy one.

In conclusion, I too am annoyed with the pompous Weekend Warrior, the pedicab and the Asian delivery man just as much as the next person. But next time you go cursing a slightly overweight slow idiot riding around in a yellow unitard, remember, that unitard is most likely me.


Cyclist in New York City via Shutterstock

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