Life is filled with many important relationships. There’s the bond between parents and child, man and wife, a bro and his wingman and even the unspoken relationship between you and the guy who works at your favorite deli who gives you extra meat on your sandwich because he’s a chill dude. However, no relationship in my life has been as important or as touching than the one I share with my couch. Choose your couch wisely, my Bros, for this will be one of the most important relationships in your life.
Thank you for being there for me through thick and thin. No piece of furniture has ever shown as much care and compassion as you. You’ve acted as many things in my life. The first is you’ve been a true Bro. Whether it was allowing six large people to climb on you to get the best view of the TV for football season or sinking in at just the right amount for Nicole in 8th grade to fall onto my lap, you’ve always had my best interest at heart. Whether it was my first hook up, first blow job, first a lot of things, you were a part of each memory. If you had hands, you would have totally given me a high five after all of those milestones.
Everyone needs that friend who encourages you to make low risk, yet still questionable life choices. Even more than my already questionable friends, you were that guy for me. You were always there to chill with me when a lazy Saturday came up. There is no one I would rather get high and watch Almost Famous with, and that’s a huge compliment. Should I have hooked up with that one girl at our house dinner party with the annoying laugh and clingy text messages? Probably not, but you knew I really needed a good time that night and that I should ignore the consequences of my actions. Remember that time I got really drunk and thought I could break dance in the living room? You graciously stepped aside so I had the full floor to make an ass out of myself. It was worth it to see the videos later.
Truly, you have always been the host with the most. There was a good three weeks where a Bro from out of town had to crash at my place, or a couple of friends had too much to drink at poker night. You’ve played host to many a wanderer, drunken acquaintance, pesky sibling who was so not gonna take my bed, passed out girl or vacationing friend from high school that you now start to get repeat customers. Most of all, you were there for me those times when I had too much to drink while on a James Bond marathon with my roommates and allowed me to crash when there was no way I was going to get up and walk to my bedroom. You have never guilt tripped me about those low points, unlike my roommates who would play the game of “How Loud Can You Be To Wake Chris Up.”
Not only that, you’ve been a comforting arm for me throughout my life. There is no one I would rather spend a hungover Sunday morning with. You let me sink into the cushions as I lay down sick and watch too many episodes of The West Wing. Remember in college when I was supposed to be studying for business law classes and thought I was gonna pull an all nighter? You were not about to have that. It was a good call to get a good night’s sleep around 2am instead of making my way through those last chapters. I may have gotten a C, but I’m out of college now and I’m so glad I slept that night. Thank you for not judging me.
Men, choose your couches wisely. They will be there with you through long moves, great parties, bad breakups, awesome games, terrible hangovers and so much more. Thank you, couch, for being with me since I was five up to my twenty two-year old-self. I know I was a much lazier, more fun person to be around because of you.
Cheers to many more years of watching TV in my underwear.
[Image via Shutterstock]