We all know that the Nazis had some, uh, questionable ideas and beliefs. But what you might not know is that while they were all genocidal racists, they were also in many ways ridiculous idiots. Yes, some of the crazy shit that they believed was so absurd, so goddamn sad, that it’s hard to believe that they made it as far as they did.
And so the next time someone has the audacity to say something like, “Well, Hitler had some good ideas. He just took it too far,” (and you’d be surprised how many people actually think this way) let them know, that no, no he didn’t.
The Earth Is Hollow
A German pilot, Peter Bender, seized on early crackpot theories to determine that not only is the Earth hollow, but that we are actually living inside of it, along with the sun, the moon and everything else and that this hollow Earth is surrounded by nothing but solid rock. Yeah.
Amazingly, the Nazis backed Bender’s theory because, deep down, they were fucking idiots. Of course, after a 1942 experiment concluded that Bender was a dumbass, the Nazis realized their mistake and did what Nazis do: they sent Bender to a concentration camp, where he died.
The World Ice Theory
Once the Nazis realized that Bender’s Hollow Earth was an embarrassing bunch of bullshit, they settled down and… oh wait, they actually decided that the whole universe was made of ice. Sigh.
The whole thing is completely ridiculous, but basically the theory goes that the whole universe is made of ice and all these various ice-balls turn into planets and moons sometimes which are all destined to crash into the sun, and oh yeah, the Earth once had several moons, all of which eventually crashed into Earth because that wouldn’t be a big deal at all.
This World Ice theory was the brainchild of an Austrian named Hanns Hörbiger, and was quickly adopted by the Nazis to replace Bender’s failed theory. The best part is that Hörbiger developed the theory not through, you know, science, but through a vision. Yes, Nazi cosmology was based on a dream some dude had.
So why did the Nazis keep coming up with crazy bullshit to explain away the universe in a time when science pretty much had that shit figured out? Well, you have to remember who the most famous physicist of the day happened to be: Albert Einstein, who was Jewish. That’s how much Hitler and the Nazis hated the Jews.
There Were Once Multiple Suns And Giants
According to Karl Maria Wiligut, who was Nazi bigshot Heinrich Himmler’s personal mystic (yeah…), Germanic culture could be traced back to 228,000 BC and that back in the day there were three suns, giants and dwarfs roamed the land and that the various suns all had to duke it out for dominance, until finally, the “new” sun, the one we know and love today, came out on top. Again, this was Himmler’s spiritual adviser and Himmler was arguably the most influential Nazi of them all. Other than, you know, that one guy with the mustache.
The German People Came From Atlantis
But Wiligut wasn’t alone in his crazy fantasies, as the influential Thule society, who helped get the Nazis going in the first place, believed that the German people came from Thule, a lost land somewhere near Iceland.
Others took this a step further and believed that before they came to Thule, the Germans were originally inhabitants of… wait for it… yes, Atlantis. Basically, the Nazis positioned themselves as the inheritors of Atlantis and were thus better and more enlightened than other people.
Once the Germans split from Atlantis, they also fanned out and, according to the Nazis, evidence of their cultural dominance could be found in ancient artifacts in both the Tibet and the Andes of South America. And, oh yeah, the Ancient Greeks were also from Atlantis and, thus, German. Hey, why not?
Jesus Was German
The whole Jesus thing was a real problem for Hitler and the boys because, well, Jesus was a Jew.
Enter Karl Maria Wiligut, he of the three suns theory, who convinced Himmler, and therefore the Nazis, that Jesus was actually appropriated from the Germanic god “Krist.” Of course, this wasn’t a real thing but part of Wiligut’s “vision,” which claimed that “Krist” was part of an ancient and long-forgotten German religion that predated even the traditional German pagan religions (which, incidentally, Himmler wanted to reinstitute once Germany won the war.)
Wiligut also claimed that the Bible was originally written in Germanic. Of course, he also claimed to have special powers because he was a goddamn wizard.
Basically, it was like the dude from Ancient Aliens somehow seized power. Only if he was also, you know, a mass murderer.
Himmler Was The Reincarnation Of A Famous German King
Heinrich Himmler’s name comes up a lot here, and that’s because he was the main dude behind the craziest Nazi shit (not to mention one of the chief architects of the Holocaust.) Basically, he was a real-life Indiana Jones villain.
And while he championed a lot of the crazy bullshit we’ve already seen, perhaps nothing was crazier than his personal belief that he was the reincarnated Henry the Fowler, who was the founder and first king of what came to be known as Germany. Basically, he was the OG German.
Anyway, Himmler had his own quarters made up to look like the dead king’s, held special rituals for the dude and even had his thousand year old bones dug up and re-consecrated. And everyone just went along with this because, well, did I mention the Nazis were fucking crazy?
The best part about all this, though, is that in Hitler’s personal diary, he indicated that he secretly thought Himmler was making an ass out of himself with all of this nonsense, and that he was even “embarrassing” himself with his Germanic fantasies, especially because Hitler believe that the Germans should actually be emulating the ancient Romans, not a bunch of dirty barbarians. Look, when you’re embarrassing fucking Hitler with your beliefs, you know you should probably tone things down a little.
They Really Did Search For The Grail
Who knew the Indiana Jones flicks were damn near documentaries?
Anyway, this was the brainchild of, yup, you guessed it, Himmler. One of his underlings, a dude named Otto Rahn, made it is life’s work to investigate the Grail mystery, and got Himmler to send Nazis all over Europe looking for it, most famously at The Fortress of Montségur, in France, which the Nazis believed to be the resting place of the Grail, and which was occupied by Nazi officers and archaeologists.
Legend also has it that Hitler was obsessed with the “Spear of Destiny,” which was supposedly the spear that Roman soldiers used to poke Jesus with while he was hanging tough on the cross. Apparently, Hitler believed that the Spear gave magical powers to whoever held it, and furthermore also believed that whoever lost it was destined to meet a tragic and quick death.
Well, the story goes that Hitler found the Spear and held it throughout World War II before, you guessed it, losing it on the eve of Germany’s downfall. The Spear was then supposedly recovered by General Patton, who died in a car accident after losing possession of it.
Look, after a while the only thing you can say is, in the parlance of our times, LOLOLOL.
They Claimed They Trained A Dog To Talk
After all the insane mysticism and crackpot theories usually only found on the dark web, the craziest thing the Nazis actually believed might just be that they could get dogs to speak.
And they didn’t just believe this. No, those crazy fuckers actually built and operated something called the Hundesprechschule, which literally means “talking school for dogs.” After everything else, you’d think nothing could surprise you about these dipshits, but, well, here we are.
Further, the Nazis claimed that one of their prized K-9 pupils was actually trained to verbally address Hitler as “Mein Fuhrer,” which… Jesus Christ. Just picture that without falling into a fit of laughter.
I… I don’t even know what to say here. All I know is that this should be a part of every story written about the Nazis until the end of time: “claimed to have a talking dog.”
Then again, from everything we’ve just talked about here, I’m pretty sure that the talking dog was the one calling all the shots.