I’m not saying that the 56-year-old guy who published this Craigslist post seeking a 19-to-25-year-old girl to accompany him to Coachella is a serial killer. I will say this, though: if I were in a creative writing class and the assignment was to draft up a list of demands and sound like I was a serial killer than I’d probably write something almost identical to what this man put on Craigslist.
Firstly, I didn’t even know that Coachella was still such a high-demand event that chicks would be willing to risk their lives for a VIP pass to the second weekend. This year has some great headliners, but the talent drops off quick. Secondly, someone should probably send this Craigslist post to this man’s family/ex-wife just to ensure that he’s not embarking on a new life emulating Ted Bundy.
This list of demands is beyond creepy, and there’s really no justification for it being so goddamn weird other than there being a screw loose somewhere along the assembly line, if you get my drift (via HappyPlace):
COACHELLA VIP WEEKEND 1 PASS: free for the right personOk here’s the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I’m willing to give it away for free to the right person. I’m looking for a travel “companion” that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time. I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years. I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun! No more team meetings, no more employee evaluations, no more balance sheets, no more darn conference calls at 7am. JUST FUN! I have a room at the Tropics Motor Motel in Indio Thursday through Monday. If you believe you can meet the below criteria, please shoot me an email and describe why you think you make the best fit. I appreciate your time and look forward to finding the right “one”! 1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25
2. Must be comfortable traveling in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached).
3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc).
4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over.
5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times.
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic.
7. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially).
8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit.
9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS!
10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride).
11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact.
12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok.
14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instigram account.
15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence.
16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!)
17. At least twice during the festival you must tell me in a playful manner that “I am naughty”.
18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that “you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time”.
19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower.
20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and as mentioned, an all expenses paid trip. If you think you’re the one, let me know and we can have a great time together. My name is G****n and I am 56 years old from W*** *****a.
I’ve chosen to throw some asterisks into OP’s name and location because I’m not in the business of doxing people on the Internet, even if this is one of the creepiest fucking things I’ve ever read.
Seriously, if you tried to add a 21st criteria could you come up with anything creepier than what’s listed above? No, you can’t. You can’t think of anything creepier because you’re not a psychopath.