This Cool Dad Arresting His Toddler Daughter For Drunk Driving Makes Me Want A Child Of My Own To Mess With

I want one! Not to like take care of or bail on bar nights with my boys, just do roll them around in bubble wrap and arrest them for driving shitfaced in their Fisher Price baby cars. I want to be like a dad/uncle hybrid. Wiping baby poop out of their baby bums and instilling life lessons and sound morals in them is for the birds, or her mom. I want to be the cool, irresponsible dad who doesn’t really have his own life together and lets the kid eat ice cream for breakfast and takes a picture of him holding a lit joint to send in group texts with my crew (I OBVIOUSLY WON’T LET THE LITTLE GUY INHALE, WHAT ARE YOU A MONSTER?!) But this dude’s got the parenting thing all figured out. World’s Best Dad, hands down.

P.S. I’m the worst person I know. Total piece of shit.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.