Why Being Into ‘Dad Bod’ Is Basically Saying You Want To Bang Your Dad, As Explained By A Woman

by 5 years ago


If I understand correctly, The Dad Bod describes a man who generally doesn’t give a shit about his appearance by way of drinking beer and eating pizza all of the time and exercising minimally to eliminate himself from the certain obesity he is likely to face. He’s not exactly fat, but he certainly isn’t thin. His physique includes no abs, pecs, or nifty-little-V-lines pointing directly toward his dick.

Men who come to mind include: Seth Rogen, Adam Sandler, and Kevin James (or is he too rotund? I’m still unsure of the rules here). Of course we can’t forget The DB poster-child, Leonardo DiCaprio.

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Let’s get this out of the way. Leonardo DiCaprio could be in the middle of a FULL blown genital herpes outbreak and there are still women who would fuck him. I’m not one of them, but I’m confident in my analysis no less. He’s literally one of the most recognizable actors on the planet. Women don’t give a shit if he’s got a little jiggle-in-the-middle. Plus, he’s facially handsome. We’re not dealing with some ugly-mug and beer belly. He’s a great looking dude, at any weight (God that sounded like a Dove campaign: “Love Your Body at Any Size”). To include him in this group of men is a fruitless pursuit, used only to make you other Dad Bod guys feel semi-cool/hot/relevant for 30-seconds of your out-of-shape existence.

To sum up my issues with the aesthetic aspects of this movement: Essentially women would 110% want a guy who’s more in shape versus someone with DB, UNLESS the guy with DB is Leonardo DiCaprio. Case closed.

Unfortunately the aesthetic issues are only the tip of the iceberg for me in The DB debate. My bigger issue comes from the actual phrasing itself. I’ve accepted the terms, “DILF,” “MILF,” and even in some instances, “GILF,” as common millennial vernacular, but that’s where I draw the weird-fucking-Oedipal line. I don’t want to think about parent-figures in a sexual way—EVER. You may be thinking, “Well, Dad Bod isn’t necessarily meant to refer to YOUR father, just fathers in general, let me be pudgy and get girls for it” but still…it’s just super-creepy to me. I don’t want to think about my dad’s bod, or the bods of dads around me. I’d venture to say the girls who DO want to have such thoughts have …well, Dad-issues.

If a chick is coming onto you and says, “Wow you have such a hot dad bod,” run for the fucking hills. That’s equivalent to her saying, “Wow you smell just like my dad and that turns me on.” IT’S WRONG PEOPLE. We have it all backward. The old saying that you end up with someone like your mother or father isn’t meant to be taken from a physical standpoint. There should be a trend called “Dad Work Ethic” or “Dad Temperament,” where girls are attracted to men who resemble their fathers for their positive attributes, not for their FUPA (fat upper pubic area—not pussy.)

I’m too lazy to research the girl who started this thing, but more than that, even if I did find her name, I’m not giving that chick anymore free (undeserved) publicity. I’ll rant about her, but I’ll never give her credit! Freedom of Speech! America! This movement she’s created is completely bat-shit to me and I lower my head in shame at the people who made it….trending.

This isn’t some cute, endearing phrase were dealing with here. The DB is some serious Freudian shit. You ever hear a woman refer to her boyfriend as, “Daddy”? Do you think that’s okay? Because if so, why are you even reading this? But if you get the sudden urge to throw up/and or actually throw up on the girl saying, “Daddy” and then run away laughing (NOT apologizing), then you and I are on the same page…and Dad Bod is the same thing! On some basic, primal, level using the phrase Dad Bod means a girl has thought of her dad, sexually—or at the very least she finds his physique appealing.

We cannot allow an entire generation of women to now claim they prefer men to be shaped like their fathers, it’s just too much! Where do we draw the line, people? Guys with Dad Bods, listen, I respect you, dare I say, even envy you, but let the trend die. Go back to being ignored for the guys with tanned muscles and chiseled jawlines. We all get our day in the sun, you’ve had yours.

Let’s move on.

[Header image via Instagram]

TAGSdad bod