Dan Bilzerian Celebrated His 35th Birthday With A Half-Naked Maid And Oh Ya, A Cake

by 5 years ago

Dan Bilzerian celebrated his birthday yesterday in typical Bilzerian fashion: with a chick he’ll probably never see again and a cake he’ll probably be too fucked up to eat.

I wonder if Bilzerian’s thought about his future. Don’t get me wrong, banging college-aged chicks on a billion foot yacht while rubbing one hundred dollar bills on his nipples must be outrageously satiating to a point. But will Danny ever seek true love? Will he ever find that groupie who stimulates his soul, makes him want to do paint night and watch Orange is the New Black? For a man who has virtually everything, does he ever stop to think of what he’s missing?

The answer is probably best given in picture form.

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She's a cat

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I planted trees by my pool

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Hell, love is just a phase anyway.

Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.

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