2016 is going to be a big year. I say that every year but I truly mean it. Big things are happening. Except there is one huge aspect of life that will die this year: the one-night stand. In an age where everyone always has their phones in their hands, we are all seconds away from communicating with anyone on the planet. The one-night stand is dead and I’m mourning. Let us all have a moment of silence.
In order for you to truly miss the one night stand as much as I do, first you must understand how important it was for the culture. There was something very empowering about going out there on a Friday night, seeing someone attractive that you want to bang and then having the determination and intestinal fortitude to convince them to hump you.
But there’s more to it than just humping a stranger. Actually, nope. That’s all it. Humping a stranger with ‘stranger’ being the key word. Sure, maybe you learn their first name or whatever but ultimately the entire interaction starts Friday night and ends Saturday morning. There are no Tinder or Facebook or Phone number strings attached. All that stuff is cut the moment you part ways. And it was beautiful and perfect while it lasted.
Here’s the thing, a lion doesn’t hunt down a gazelle so that they can exchange Snapchat usernames and send each other selfies for the next two weeks before eventually awkwardly making out one night forcing them to text all day and shit. Remember when we used to be lions? I remember.
(Editor’s Note: I see where he is trying to go with that analogy, but it makes zero sense. It’s like comparing apples to oranges, OR casual sex to murder, which yeah…let’s just move on here, mmmmkay?)
Now, before you two ever even come close to sex, you have to exchange numbers and become Facebook friends. Even if you’re intentions are to have a one night stand, you’ll still end up seeing that motherfucker on Instagram a couple of days later.
Remember the good ol’ days when dudes had second families hidden away somewhere? Mission impossible in 2016. I guess that’s a completely different point that I’m not trying to make at all right now, but seriously, there is nowhere you can hide where your one-night stand won’t find you.
But the grossest and most inexcusable part is that it’s a mutual desire to continue communication after you’ve humped already. Sure, I could blame technology, which is clearly what I’ve done up until this point. But there’s more to it than that. There’s some sort of virus that has finally infected everyone in 2016 and now everyone has like, feelings and shit. It’s insane.
It’s almost as if both people genuinely enjoy each other’s company and want to continue seeing each other. For some reason, both parties don’t exclusively use each other to release their animalistic lizard brained sexual frustrations on one another anymore.
Remember the walk of shame? It’s dead and in its place is a trip to the local diner for hash browns and maybe watching a Ryan Reynolds romantic comedy at some point the next day together. I threw up in my mouth just thinking about that.
The times they are’a changin’.
One night stands are dead. #RIP. To the brave men and women still out there trying to keep the old tradition alive, we salute you. Godspeed.