Dennis Rodman Says He’s Done Going to North Korea

After a brilliant series of political maneuvers that resulted in Kim-Jong Un receiving 100% of his reelection vote, North Korea conducting its third illegal nuclear test, and expats telling of horrific sentences spent in state-run concentration camps, Dennis Rodman’s career as a diplomat and friend to dictators is coming to an end.

He served his country well.

In a typically rambling interview with ESPN today, Rodman apologized for potentially putting Americans in harm’s way, most notably the political prisoner Kenneth Bae, who Rodman condemned as a spy in January. (Bae is serving a 15-year sentence in a labor camp.) Rodman said he would not be returning to North Korea if his “pure motives” were roundly questioned again. So I think he’s done.

“At least someone tried, that’s how I look at it,” Rodman said. “I don’t wanna be a hero. I just want to do happy things and do great things in life.

“If I put anyone in harm’s way I apologize,” he continued. “If you ever want me to go back there again, I won’t go back.”

Despite the mea cupola, Rodman did still appear to hold a man-crush on Kim.

“It’s so intriguing to hear him talk about sports. I said, ‘Wow, this guy, he’s moving toward the 21st century.’ And I’m thinking in my heart that’s gonna open for everybody. That’s what I’m hoping, that’s what I’m looking for long term, it does open.”

“I know truly in my heart something’s gonna happen. If it happens, watch all these people kiss my ass.”

ESPN notes Rodman wore to the interview, “a black canvas-like fedora with black feathers in the back and a pair of large-lense, white-framed sunglasses with a nose ring in each nostril, another ring looped around his lower lip and at least one ring in his left ear…. He was also wrapped in several bright neck scarves.”

If that doesn’t scream “serious diplomat,” by god: What does?