How do you bounce back from that? Oh that’s right, you don’t. I wouldn’t be surprised if this chick dumped him before they reached the parking lot. It would be 100% warranted, too. Like I can imagine this chick having a *GiRlz NitE* the next night and her friends being like, “How’s Sam?” (of course he has a unisex name) and her being like “Oh we broke up because he had a panic attack in a haunted house and shit himself a little bit. Like pooped down his leg because of a couple high schoolers grunting in Jason masks. He also would never have sex with me, he would only let me ram him with a strap-on. So there’s that, too. Can you pass the gauc, Cindy?”
I’m as soft as they come. I legit had to sleep on the floor of my brother’s room for two weeks after watching Scream. But as a man, I’ve learned to clench my asshole and swallow the lump in my throat and proceed with honor. With dignity. In the words of Bill Burr, “Deny your problems. Act like you’ve got answers.” That’s what men do. Sure, I’d have no idea what to do if a robber broke into my girlfriend’s place, but I’d walk around her place with a souvenir baseball bat with my chest puffed out and my balls dragging on the floor because I’d rather die with a shred dignity, than live knowing I have zero testicular fortitude.