This Kenny Powers Look-A-Like Slamming Beers At A Nascar Event Bleeds Red, White And Blue

Our Founding Fathers are sporting hard-ons in their graves right now. Abe Lincoln just slow strokin’ it to this Patriot porn. ISIS is probably playing this video at their marketing meetings like, “Fuck, America is really bringing it. Let’s go behead some innocent autistic children to level the playing field.” Granted, only about 6 oz. actually ended up down this guy’s gullet, but the showmanship is unmatched. No doubt I’d follow this dude into battle. I’d even dust off the jean shorts I last wore to an eighth grade dance if need be (P.S. Props to Becca L. for the outside the pants handjob that night. The chafing eventually went away.) But my willingness to die in a pair of jean shorts shows you just how serious I am about fighting side-by-side with America’s poster boy.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.