Our Founding Fathers are sporting hard-ons in their graves right now. Abe Lincoln just slow strokin’ it to this Patriot porn. ISIS is probably playing this video at their marketing meetings like, “Fuck, America is really bringing it. Let’s go behead some innocent autistic children to level the playing field.” Granted, only about 6 oz. actually ended up down this guy’s gullet, but the showmanship is unmatched. No doubt I’d follow this dude into battle. I’d even dust off the jean shorts I last wore to an eighth grade dance if need be (P.S. Props to Becca L. for the outside the pants handjob that night. The chafing eventually went away.) But my willingness to die in a pair of jean shorts shows you just how serious I am about fighting side-by-side with America’s poster boy.