On any given week there exists thousands of news stories so menial and stupid they actually cause me to wince with disgust, BUT, there can only be ONE dumbest news story of the week.
One story has to reign supreme when it comes to its level of both stupidity and absurdity, and today I’m seeking to name this week’s story by pitting two of the dumbest headlines I’ve ever seen against each other.
On the one hand we’ve got the age-old story of some batshit crazy Southern mom who probably drinks more Mad Dog 20/20 than she does Church wine, but somehow finds the most trivial of offenses in every day life and turns it into an affront on her God given right to live a happy life. In this case in particular it’s a mother from Memphis, Tennessee who says she’s OUTRAGED that there are ‘Satanic pentagrams‘ in place of the school bus lights.
And in the other corner we’ve got my own personal favorite, a man who was cited/ticketed for eating a cheeseburger while driving his car, and told by and actual officer of the law: “You can’t just go down the road eating a hamburger.”
So why have I chosen these two to represent this week’s dumbest news stories? Well if you don’t know the answer to that question already, chances are you probably aren’t a very smart individual, and things like humor and irony fly over your head quicker than you lasted the night you lost your virginity.
Just let it sink in for a moment that not only did a cop waste his time following a driver for several miles to know for certain the man was eating a hamburger, but then he pulled him over, ticketed him, AND had the gall to lecture a grown ass man on how eating food and driving is against the law (which I’m still not convinced it is, fuck your law books!).
And in the other corner we’ve got a woman who represents everything that makes our nation both crazy and great. She’s so off her rocker that she’s calling every Christian alive to be outraged at the lights on a school bus in a school district nobody gives two shits about.
I’m going to be honest with you here, I both love Memphis for its food, but also couldn’t give two shits about the city. The historical impact of Memphis is waning by the day…it’s not longer an epicenter for music or culinary arts, it’s really just another city on a river. But today it’s embroiled in the insanity of a Bible beater who probably sees Jesus’ face appearing in the soap scum inside her busted ass shower.
But let’s take an in-depth look at the two stories before deciding the Grand Poobah of Stupidity.
MARIETTA, Ga. (AP) — An Alabama man is accused of eating while driving in Atlanta’s suburbs.
Madison Turner tells WSB-TV that he ordered a double quarter-pounder with cheese from a McDonald’s shortly before being pulled over last week in the Marietta area.
Turner says the officer told him that he observed him eating the cheeseburger for two miles, telling the man “You can’t just go down the road eating a hamburger.”
The ticket, issued under Georgia’s distracted driving law, states in the comments section that the offense is “eating while driving.”
If you’re like me, right now you want to go buy two-hundred cheeseburgers, post up at a rest stop on the highway and give them out to every person who wants one just to prove a point: adults should be able to eat when and wherever the fuck they want. Cops have less than NO right to tell me when and were to eat my food.
There’s ZERO proof that this man was a danger on the road whilst eating that juicy cheeseburger. All we know is some bored-as-fuck cop pulled him over and lectured him on when and where he’s allowed to eat cheeseburgers.
One mom in Memphis, Tennessee seems to think so.
Robyn Wilkins tells WMC Action News the brake lights shaped like 5-pointed stars resemble Satanic pentagrams.
“Anyone who fears a God, if not God and Jesus Christ, should be outraged. If you can’t put a cross on there, you cannot put a pentagram on it.”
If it was possible for me to call a tie here, I would, but given that this is the first time on BroBible that I’m pitting two stories against each other in hopes of naming the DUMBEST NEWS STORY OF THE WEEK, I feel the need to name one as the supreme leader of idiocy.
Therefore, after pouring over all the material and looking at the two stories from every angle, I’m officially naming ‘Mom upset over ‘Satanic symbol’ in school bus brake lights‘ as the stupidest fucking story of the week.
The fact that anyone gave this janky ass crone the time of day, let alone went out to both take pictures, film her, and interview her…well, that makes me lose a little faith in humanity. But at the same time as I’m weeping for the state of Journalism in America, I’m also overjoyed that someone somewhere was gifted this assignment. Because from a writer’s perspective there’s literally NOTHING more entertaining than dealing with the craziest of the crazy.
When you’re speaking with someone and verbal diarrhea begins to spew from their mouth in under ten-seconds, you typically know that you’ve got a heater of a story on your hands, and thus is the case with Crazy Christian Memphis Mom.
In fact, I’m somewhat jealous of the WMCActionNews reporter who went so far as to interview a ‘practicing Wiccan’ about pentagrams, because why the fuck not?
WMC Action News 5 talked to Jo Applewhite, who is a practicing Wiccan. She says technically the lights do form a pentagram, but she says the symbol itself is not a Satanic or evil one.
“Find out what it really means before you start getting riled up and all worked up about something,” Applewhite said. “Wiccans, we believe in God, we believe in Jesus, but we don’t call him God.”
If you’re making the conscious decision to shed light on the dumbest fucking story ever covered, then you might as well go all in on it, right? So kudos to the angry mom from Memphis on being named by me as the ‘dumbest fucking story of the week’.
As for whether or not I’ll continue this as a feature next week will depend on whether or not there’s a pair of stories so deliberately awful I feel a burning desire in my loins to cover them….check back next Tuesday to find out.
And if you don’t agree with my decision and think that the man cited while eating the cheeseburger deserves to be ranked as the ‘dumbest news story of the week’ then go ahead and make your case down below in the comments, I’ll enjoy the debate.