Obviously, if I was given the option of not getting cheated on and boom roasting my girl by cleverly dumping her for it, I’ll take ‘Another Dude’s Penis NOT In My Girlfriend’ for 300, Alex. But, we live in an imperfect world–a world where Hulk Hogan gets $140 million for fucking his best friend’s wife and I get chaffing for fucking my tube sock.
So when you find out your loving girlfriend has been cheating on you like a drug test, its best practice to leave as much collateral damage as possible without coming off as a fucking psychopath. Things a psychopath does: 1.) Breaks household items that he will inevitably need to replace 2.) Shares something, ANYTHING, on Facebook 3.) Draws his own blood and writes “SOON” across her bathroom mirror.
In order to inflict the most damage without getting arrested, one must make his prey believe that they are being courted, even if he knows she is being lead to slaughter. Heighten her expectations. Buy flowers, chocolates, a fucking mini pony I don’t care–make her believe that in that very moment she’s loved more than the entire football team she fucked while you two were saying ‘I love you’ ever could.
Then, when she’s most vulnerable, FINISH HER.
And if you’re too cheap for a mini pony, a nice card like this will do just fine.
BRO. BROOOO. Fist bump. Smooth as fug. It sucks that she’s fucked more people than are in that GIF though. Michael, Jared, Derek. God damnit bro, she was banging an entire boy band.
On the bright side, Tinder is pretty tight for a while. And then you start swiping all robots and it couldn’t be a sadder state of affairs. Find that happy medium, bruh.
And hey, kid. Good luck out there.
[h/t IMGUR]