You think The Rock is cool? You think Vin Diesel has swagger? You look up to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone because you think they’re the ultimate men who embody all the manliness in the man-world? WRONG. You are WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG because this fuckin’ kid is all of those dudes combined into one and then some. Sure he’s probably not ripped to shreds and he’s not a movie star or the governor of California, but it doesn’t matter. You know why? Because this kid is smooth like butter on a hot summer day and I aspire to be more like him. Sure I’m a girl, but so what? I can still appreciate giant balls when they’re hanging right in front of my face, and the protagonist of our story here, “BP,” has balls bigger than the moon.
Now if you’ll excuse me…I’m going to go get some orange juice.
I wish I could say this is my story, but it’s not. This one is courtesy one of my closest friends. For reference I’ll be referring to him as “BP”. Slightly not safe for work, I suppose…I’d rather tag it and it not be, than not tag it and have someone’s boss walk up and read it 😀
Also, names and tiny details are changed or omitted, but the overall story is legit.
A few years ago, BP was dating this girl. He really dug her and did everything he could to please her. He was a reasonably funny dude, not bad looking,and he sung for a band, so he had his choice of a few ladies, but chose this one because he was really fond of her. Bent over backwards for her, so to speak.
After the relationship goes on for awhile, he finds out she’s been cheating on him. And it didn’t just start, she’s been cheating on him since they were courting. Apparently, his love for her wasn’t mutual, and she just refused to give up other guys, even after their own relationship seemed to get serious.
BP was furious, but he wasn’t the type to shit in her cereal, beat up the other guys, etc. But he wanted to get back at her somehow, some way.
A few days later, we’re all out drinking, hanging out, hitting the bar circuit, having a good time when who else but his ex’s mom actually shows up. Ex’s mom gets liquored up with us when BP actually saw his opportunity for revenge.
So he sweet talks the mother to the point where she ends up bringing him back home with her, and then…you guessed it. He had sex with his ex’s mother.
But the story gets better.
Post-coitus, he decides to get up and go to the kitchen to get a drink. Not putting anything on but a t-shirt, he walks into the kitchen and opens the fridge. At this point, his ex, who was out herself, comes in and runs into him, naked from the torso down, in her fridge. She screams at him, “What the fuck are you doing here?”
Nonchalantly, he replies, “Getting some orange juice.”