Girls Reveal Exactly What Makes A Guy Good In Bed So You Should Probably Take Notes (Ya, You)

As men, we all think we’re sex gods. It’s by no fault of our own–we were wired to be prideful creatures. Blame Jesus. We think we fuck like porn stars, but if you were to stick a camera in our bedrooms, we’d probably all look like a jellyfish having a seizure.

We need to keep that view of ourselves. It’s a self-preservation tactic. But more likely than not, you are not the best lay your partner has had. It’s very possible that your self-proclaimed “magic stick” is just a place holder. It’s statistics, bro. I’m not above them either. The only time a girl tells me “it hurts” is when I’m laying on her like a giant pancake and cutting off her air supply.

But thanks to the wonderful Reddit chick community, we can improve our performance in bed without the shame of having our partners tell us to our faces.

Here are some of the top tips. Grab a pen.

Listening. When we say “right there” do NOT change what you are doing!

If you enjoy it, let the girl know. It’s really awkward if the girl’s enjoying herself and moaning and the guy is just ninja-quiet. I know some guys are conditioned to be all quiet, but during sex, it comes off as weirdly contemplative and like you’re uncertain.

Foreplay does not start at the clit. It is the penultimate step. Foreplay starts with caresses and kisses and biting etc etc on all the other parts of the body – and don’t be afraid of exploring, a calf or the inside of an elbow can be just as sensitive as a nipple. After she’s all hot and bothered, then go to the clit to ramp it up and ideally make her come before penetration.

Make noise. Use your hands, grab, caress, pull hair. Go down on me. Communicate, be forthright with your desires and confident in your body.

Cut your fucking finger nails.

Don’t try to act like you’re in a porno and don’t change positions every three minutes: if we seem to like it, stick with what you are doing for a while.

Teasing. Kiss my neck, nibble my thighs, rub my feet, etc… a guy does that long enough and I’ll eventually explode with lust, pin him down and ride him till we both collapse in a big sticky mess oh god I wish my boyfriend wasn’t 1000 miles away. (Editor’s Note:Hey babe, let me know if you need a bed warmer to ease the lonely nights. At this point, I don’t even care what you look like.)

Fingering is really, really hot. Don’t try and make it feel like a dick either (I think that’s a big misconception with hand play) I get really turned on by the idea of fingers inside me curling to the front wall of the vagina and pressing the G spot, don’t quit twisting it around because I know what a cock feels like and that is not it.

Lather me in mayonnaise and bang me with a Scream mask on (Editor’s Note: Just kidding. No one has ever said that.)

Eye contact.

Say my name. Just once is enough.

NICE! I’m in the clear. Not one girl said something about crying after sex.

Ok bros, I think we’re ready to give this whole sex thing another shot.

[h/t The Chive]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.