Good News, Bros! The Washington Post Says Domestic Abuse Is Not Our Fault


We’ve been espousing this point for years. Men abusing women? Not a man’s fault. It’s the overdone souffle–the eggs, Sarah, are supposed to be just set when you remove it from the oven. You let the residual heat finish it–that sets us off.

Sometimes, it’s not even the cooking, though. It could be the socks not folded. Or our boxers you threw away. And the game? How could you forget that the game was on? No, you can’t vacuum now. The game is on.

It doesn’t matter the trigger. The point is, men are not to blame when they hit women. Women are. Of course, assholes (read: females) argued with us incessantly on that stance. Used shit like reason and logic. Said we were dumb. Said we were wrong.

But today? Sweet, sweet vindication. For The Washington Post finally agrees with us. Domestic violence is the woman’s fault. Specifically, it’s their fault for not getting married, because married women are less likely to be beat.

The paper ran a column today titled ‘Not The Onion: One way to end violence against women? Married dads.‘. The premise is essentially that single women are at fault for domestic abuse because married men are less likely to abuse their… I don’t fucking know.

It’s the inane ramblings of a conservative think tank that spent 14 seconds looking at an Excel spreadsheet which showed a minor correlation between topics and felt it was wise to chuck everything else out the window.

But obscured in the public conversation about the violence against women is the fact that some other men are more likely to protect women, directly and indirectly, from the threat of male violence: married biological fathers. The bottom line is this: Married women are notably safer than their unmarried peers, and girls raised in a home with their married father are markedly less likely to be abused or assaulted than children living without their own father.

Yes, married men are saints and the solution to every problem in the world. If you are in an abusive relationship, there’s only one thing you can do to rectify it. Get. That. Ring.

Women are also safer in married homes. As the [figures] indicate, married women are the least likely to be victimized by an intimate partner. They are also less likely to be the victims of violent crime in general. Overall, another U.S. Department of Justice study found that never-married women are nearly four times more likely to be victims of violent crime, compared to married women. The bottom line is that married women are less likely to be raped, assaulted, or robbed than their unmarried peers.

I wonder if that’s because the average person’s qualifications for a spouse include them not being into rape, assault and robbery.

Nah. It’s ’cause sluts be slutting it up. Simple fact. So get at it, ladies. If you all wanna be free from the threat of violence forever, you all need to partner off for life.

Because I can’t think of a single other solution to this problem.

[Image via Shutterstock]